President Trump Proposes 'Way-Back' Machine to Combat Opioid Addiction - 8/10/17
Former Subway Pitchman Responds To "Middle School Girls Are Hot" Comment - 4/23/15
President of U of Oklahoma Chapter of Sigma Alpha Episilon Responds to Controversy Surrounding Apparent Racial Video - 3/9/15
NY Mayor Bloomberg Takes Aim At New Obesity Foods - 7/31/13
NASA Dispels Doomsday Rumors - 12/12/12
Arabs and Jews Resolve All Differences - 11/17/12
Brinks Home Security Headquarters Burglarized - 10/11/12
America Could Be 'taken over' Warns Ross Perot - 9/29/12
Jersey Governor Christie Handles Protesters Jersey-like - 1/9/12
Phantom Surgery On Phantom Limb Cures Man's Phantom Pain - 12/3/11
Man Gets Seven Years Good Luck From Broken Mirror - 11/11/11
Canada One-ups Dubai's Indoor Ski Resort With Indoor Desert - 9/8/11
Notre Dame Announces New Position - 7/27/11
Internet's Location Finally Revealed - 2/21/11
Obama Signs Landmark Repeal - 12/21/10
Post Office Announces "Going Postal Is Fun" Campaign To Counter Homicidal Stereotype - 6/23/10
Biden Warns America: Stay Off Subways and Planes To Avoid Swine Flu - 4/30/09
President Bush Gets New Pair Of Shoes - Thrown At Him - 12/14/08
"I Want To Cut His Nuts Off!" Jackson Apologizes After Remark About Obama - 7/10/08
Boy Band Creator Sentenced - 5/21/08
CSI's Gary Durden Popped - 5/1/08
Pope Tells Bush, U.S., To Base Decisions On Moral Principles - 4/16/08
Jury Says Driver, Paparazzi Killed Diana - 4/8/08
Vatican Invents Many New Sins, Including Steroid Abuse - 3/10/08
Romney Accuses McClain of 'Dirty Tricks' - 1/27/08
Clinton, Obama Clash, Accuse Each Other Of Distortion - 1/21/08
Kelly Tilghman Apologizes For Woods Death Threat - 1/9/08
Mitt Romney Weeps After Primary - 1/9/08
Bush Fibs About WMDs - 1/9/08
DEA Makes Big Pot Bust Down In Monterey - 12/22/07
Biden Up In Arms Over Tapes - 12/8/07
Bush Won't Judge CIA Tape Destruction - 12/20/07
Vamoosed Lake In Chile - 11/27/07
Pope Creates 23 New Cardinals - 11/24/07
God Answers Jerry Yang's Pleas to "Let Me Win, Dear Lord!" - 7/17/07
Still Hooked On Phonics After 20 Years by "Billy"
Bull Mastiff Attacked By Killer Dachshunds: A day of terror in a quiet Malibu neighborhood
Sick And Tired by Thomas G. Smedley
Tried As A Child? by Jenny Takearide
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PRESIDENT TRUMP PROPOSES 'WAY-BACK' MACHINE TO COMBAT OPIOID ADDICTION - 8/10/17
BRIDGEWATER, NEW JERSEY (SCAG NETWORK NEWS)
Between hole 8 and 9 on his New Jersey golf course, President trump proposed a radical new treatment
for opioid addiction which is in line with his recent proclamation that the best way to combat drug addiction is to tell kids it's "no good, really bad for you".
This solution, however, presents some difficulty in dealing with the millions of adults currently addicted to opiates.
"Today, I am authorizing the development of a 'way-back' machine which will be used to transport
these addicts back in time to a point where they can be told as young people that drugs are no good and that they are really bad for you in every way known to the
mind of man." Trump acknowledged his own battle with addition: "I know a lot about addiction. I have been addicted to large pieces of chocolate cake for many years,
something I battle with every day, bigly."
A way-back machine has actually been under development theoretically for several years as part of a CIA program to go back in time and prevent the birth of known
terrorists and US enemies, like Osama Bin Laden, Hillary Clinton, Kim Jung Un and maybe even Adolf Hitler, who was, himself, addicted to powerful drugs. But, the latter would
require a mission even farther back in time so as to introduce prophylactics to the world which would then be given to the perp mothers for use during normal conjugal relations.
"Such a weapon as a way-back machine would be invaluable in our fight against addiction, crime
and non-existent climate change", Trump said. "Only time will tell if the program works." The president assured members of Congress that the time reversal technology
would never be used to influence the stock market which, he said, would be a violation of insider trading laws.
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FORMER SUBWAY PITCHMAN RESPONDS TO "MIDDLE SCHOOL GIRLS ARE HOT" COMMENT - 4/23/15
BUTTE MONTANA (LUNCH MEAT MONTHLY)
Jared Fogel, the former "Subway Guy", responded today to the charge made by ex-Florida TV journalist turned FBI infomant, Rochelle Herman, that he told her that "middle school girls are hot".
According to Herman, during an event at a Florida school, "He said something to me when we were off camera and that really
stuck with me". So disturbed was she by the now-deposed spokesman's comment that she contacted the FBI. "I thought he was a perv for sure".
Fogel responded today through Brooklyn attorney, Lou Domingo, that the comment was entirely innocent and not at all sexually deviant, that he was only referring to the fact
that the girls in the gym where the event took place were sweating and
therefore must be hot. "It was the temperature of the females in question to which my client was speaking. His comments had absolutely nothing to do with any sort of
deviant reference to young tang being lusiously ar tantalizingly appealing to the man's psyclesexual libido. No sir."
Attorney Domingo has also claimed that the 14 year-old girls with whom Fogle admits having sex in New York City "looked like they were, oh, somewhere around 17 or 18",
so he doesn't feel Fogle should be held accountable for molestation in the classic sense. At most, Domingo claims, he is perhaps only guilty of "disrespectful
fondulation of consenting legal-aged persons of which whom are not minors but rather are majors".
As for the child pornography reported to have been discovered on his computer, Fogle has
pled no contest but insists he is innocent, claiming that those images were already on the computer which he bought on eBay from a guy named WoJib out of
Singapore. Domingo proclaimed that the authorities should be trying to "track down this WoJib character" rather than focusing entirely on Mr. Fogle,
who he claims has been a "victim of a rush to judgement due to the envy of the police department over Mr. Fogle's extreme weight loss accomplishments.
Have you seen the guts on those cops?"
Since becoming an FBI informant, Herman has informed on a number of friends, relatives and neighbors for everything from failure to pick up dog feces with a pooper scooper to
not coming to a complete stop at stop signs. She ratted out her next door neighbor for possesion of an illegal cable box, dropped a dime on her former high school sweetheart
for stealing a geography exam from Mr. Hitchings' desk back in '87, and snitched on her very own husband for dummying up cash receipts on their '09 tax returns.
She even blabbed on her own self for eating chips from open bags in the Piggly Wiggly.
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PRESIDENT OF U of OKLAHOMA CHAPTER OF SIGMA ALPHA EPISILON RESPONDS TO
CONTROVERSY SURROUNDING APPARENT RACIAL VIDEO - 3/9/15
NORMAN OKLAHOMA (CORN STALKERS NEWS CONGLOMERATE)
Kyle Regibald III, President of the University of Oklahoma's chapter of Sigma Alpha Episilon, the national and prestigious univerisity fraternity organization with chapters at
nearly every major academic institution in the United States, responded today in an exclusive interview with Docktored News anchorman, Smedley Brown, to the video depicting reputed SAE members
partying on a bus and singing what appears to sound like a racially charged booster song. The video has sparked widespread outrage on the U of Oklahoma campus, on several Oklahoma farming collectives, and across the nation at large,
because the students in the video appear to be singing the racially-unreprehensible lyrics, "there will never be, a n****er in SAE". However, Regibald has made the claim that the members of the chapter
were singing something else, something completely innocent and that the whole affair is nothing more than a complete misunderstanding.
"What the students were actually singing was, 'there will never be, a DIGGER in SAE'", which references, according to Regibald, the long-held position of the organization against the activities of Archaeology and
Archaeological Anthropology. "We at Sigma Alpha Episilon have a long history of antitheitcal opposition to the
practice of digging up antique human remains and disturbing sacred human burial localities on the Earth for the sick purpose of displaying such exhumated human corpses and bodies in museums and
carnival shows all for the sole purpose of the almighty dollar." The students (seen in the photo to the right at their annual "We Hate Diggers" kegger), Regibald insisted, "were merely exorcizing their rights as academic Americans to disagree
with a sack religious branch of science that defiles and desiccates the final resting places of so many unknown souls who should by all rights be allowed to remain undisturbed lest their souls become unsettled
and eternally at unrest and upheavaled, forced to roam the aether in limbo, like lost ships on the sea of Nevermore. Besides, we here at SAE like Black folks alot and we actually talked about letting like one or
two of them in over the next decade or whatever".
University of Oklahoma president, David Boren, has declared the students' behavior to be nothing short of despicable and has, in fact, shut down the SAE fraternity. Charter pres Regibald responded
that what has occurred is clearly an example of the powerful psychological phenomenon he learned about in his Psych 101 class called the McGurke Effect,
in which what people hear is sometimes influenced by what they see or, in this case, by what they think they hear and that, once the video has been fully scrutinized and subjected to the rigors of audiolingometrical analysis, the truth
shall be told. "I can only hope and pray that cooler heads will prevail and that SAE will be vindicated and its brethren found un-exculpable and that the SAE charter shall be reinstated within the state and that
an apology will be issued forthwidth and the accusations redidacted." When informed about the explanation proffered by SAE head Regibald, President Borin responded simply, "Say what?" and he's not even Black.
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MAYOR BLOOMBERG TAKES AIM AT NEW OBESITY FOODS - 7/31/13
NEW YORK (POLITINEWS)
New York Mayor Bloomberg, while stymied in his attempt to eliminate jumbo soft drinks in New York City,
has not only vowed to appeal the court's decision
but has also vowed to embark upon a few new food limitation campaigns:
1) eliminate the "supersize" option at McDonalds;
2) eliminate the "family size" box of Coco Puffs;
3) eliminate the "ballpark" size of Nathan's hotdogs;
4) eliminate the extra large Megga Dominator pizza at Dominos; and lastly,
5) do away with the "El Mucho Grande" burrito at Taco Time.
It is also rumored that Bloomberg has plans to eliminate the word "Big" from "Big Apple".
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NASA DISPELS DOOMSDAY RUMORS - 12/12/12
HOUSTON (SPACE PRESS)
NASA scientists have assured America today that scary conspiratorial rumors about the world ending in 2012
are nothing more than mistaken, erroneous, untrue conjecture promulgated by unsound, flawed, mistaken misinterpretation
of the ancient Mayan calendar by specious, spurious, sophistic people. The misleading scuttlebutt innuendo is purported to be all talk,
unfounded, unsupported, uncorroborated, unproven, empty, unsubstantiated, misleading, unwarranted, unjustified, without
good cause or reason, and baseless, say the nation's top celestial non-prevaricating pontificators.
An anonymous, unnamed, unspecified non-spokesperson un-close to the source of the government revelation debunkers stated in an unofficial,
off-the-record, clandestine hush-hush interview on the QT that the inappropriate and improprietous doomsday suggestions are mere canards of informal
grapevine tittle-tattle chattle and whipsers of loose lip speculations that are full of holes, innaccurate, phonylicious, false-fronting, lie-injected and
uncorroborated. Such inaccurate, fallacious, faulty, misguided and bogus misunderstandings have been disseminated, mistakenly and wrongly, in
make-believe, incorrect, untrue doomsday message boards online without justification, basis or foundation and, besides being irrational,
illogical, and misguided, are incompletely without reason, groundless, fictitiously fabricated buzz and the word on the street is they
are mostly made up, imaginary, unreasonable, ill-founded, misinformed gossip bordering on being scandalous idle hearsay. At the risk of obfuscating the
truth, the source said she thought the risky theorizing was "way out" and "off base" but refused to proffer an educated guess in regards to the accuracy or
inaccuracy of the hypothetical verismilitude surrounding the believability or implausibility of the unlikelihood that the Mayan calendar contains
anything even close to an authentic or factual assessment of viability as it pertains to prediction and postulatativeness of the end of all
creation which, in and of itself, has been drawn into serious question in reference to the seeming lack of provable facts surrounding its own very existance. Nay, there can be
no end to that which has not yet to have begun.
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ARABS AND JEWS RESOLVE ALL DIFFERENCES - 11/17/12
JIBIP (DISSOCIATED PRESS)
In a dramatic and historic accord, today, the Jewish people and the Arab people decided to resolve all of their antiquated squabbles,
which have been on-going since biblical times, and to live in harmony from hence forth, side by side, as direct neighbors, until eternity
occurs, or at least until some other, non-middle-eastern holy land dispute materializes on some other part of the globe. The harmonious end
to several thousand years of bickering came when Arab and Jewish leaders made concession after concession in what has been widely heralded as
the greatest assuaging of human discord since the near impossible reconciliation between Blacks and Caucasians which threw down last July in Birmingham.
Foremost on the list of concessions is that the Arabs decided not to continue their insistence that Israel return lands grabbed during the Six-Day War,
some 45-odd years ago, when the Israeli armed forces decimated the various Arab factions in the conflict. They also gave Israel total control over
all holy sites in the holy land, including Jerusalem, a concession deemed by many clerics here in the U. S. as "tantamount to a miracle". Father John
McMullen of St. Ann's parish in, New Bedford, was quoted at last night's bible bingo: "God really stepped up to the collection plate and hit a homer
on this one."
The Jewish people were apparently so shocked and overwhelmed by the Arab yields that there was unanimous agreement in the Jewish Parliament to totally
remove all Israeli settlers from the conquered lands. Israeli Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu, issued the following directive: "All Jewish settlers
should vacate their homes and businesses immediately and return to their homeland. If they do not wish to return, perhaps they can emigrate to America
where they will find plenty of work in the film business. In any case, they must vacate."
Arab leaders, however, immediately informed the Jewish leaders that that would not be necessary and that they wanted the Jewish to keep the lands in question
as payment for their "silly" decision to gang up on Israel so many years ago in what turned out to be a complete, utter, and somewhat humiliating military
blunder, debacle, and trouncing at the hands of the Israeli war machine. But the Jewish insisted on returning the lands to their new Arab allies and, in fact,
voted to give to the Palestinians as a sign of good will several thousand extra acres of prime developed Jewish territory in several major Jewish cities, such
as, Tel Aviv and Nazareth, the very hometown of God. The Arabs remained steadfast, however, in their conviction that the Jewish settlements shall remain right
where they stand and rejected outright any pandering offers of additional Jewish lands, a sad attempt, according to Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud
Abbas, by the Jewish leaders to coerce their formerly biblical enemies into an embarrassing acceptance of additional real estate, adding, "Arabs have
unshakable, unsinkable and unassailable pride!"
But, many Jewish settlers have already filled their donkey carts with their possessions and frankincense and have begun the long exodus back to Jewish
territory. Sadly, there were several border skirmishes as Hamas militants attempted to block Jewish settlers from exiting the formerly disputed settled
territories. Yehuda Rabin, a 28-year-old diamond merchant and Gaza strip settler, was quoted as saying, "Oi! We will return to Israel or die trying and
take a few hard-headed Arabs with us!"
The Jews furthermore decided unanimously to share all holy shrines completely with their Arab and Muslim brothers, which sent tears of joy reverberating
throughout both communities. Both sides agreed to never again raise their voices or their swords in anger, against each other, in the name of God, Allah,
Yahweh, Jehoshaphat or Shenobi. There was widespread belief on the streets of Bethlehem, Beirut, Rashid, Damascas and Hebron that peace and harmony will
make people happier and more prosperous than the war and discord that has been going on and on and on and on and on, year after year, decade after decade,
century after century, ad infinitum.
Most of the concessions from both sides began to flow when the result of a bipartisan theological study showed that the Koran and the Torah are actually
derived translations of the very same ancient scrolls, a misunderstanding of "biblical proportions", which has undoubtedly been responsible for the
unnecessary deaths of thousands on both sides.
Former Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmer was quoted as saying, "Oi, from vat have ve been doing all of this fighting?"
These two historic sects even forgave each other for various effronteries going back to biblical times. The Egyptians said they were "very sorry" for having
enslaved the Jews for several hundred years, leading to the big Exodus, after having sent them packing into the desert and then changing their minds. The Jews
were elated following this apology and totally forgave their fellow Semites for understandably enslaving them since labor was in such short supply at that
time in history.
Arab mothers and fathers of Palestinian suicide bombers were seen dining out in Tel Aviv with the mothers and fathers of Jewish bomb victims. The general mood
was one of mirth and there was laughter and dancing and exchange of cake and songs of love were sung in Hebrew and Farci.
In line with the celebratory atmosphere, all Arab countries, except for one, Abu Dhabi, abandoned centuries-old taboos on the sale and consumption of alcohol
and allowed open bottles and partying til dawn in the streets of their straw villages and mud cities. Leaders of Abu Dhabi, however, the only Arab nation to
resist the ban on alcohol, said that Abu Dhabi was hard enough for foreigners to pronounce and spell already without compounding the problem with alcohol.
One lone dissenter, a Palestinian named Kareem Abdul Jawar, rumored to be the oldest living citizen in Palestine at 122 years, claimed that he could not "bury the
saber" because to do so would take away his only reason for living, that being seeing the day when all Jews are finally crushed and exterminated by the hand
of Allah, "like so many filthy sand beetles". He added, "besides, what good is life without a good Jihad?!" No other Arabs were found who would concur with
that opinion, not even Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who publically rescinded his call for the complete and utter annihilation of Israel and
replaced it with an invitation for Israel to expand its borders through Syria and into Iran where it could claim as much territory as it wished (taking
into consideration the new understanding of middle-east borders as described recently by Republican presidential nominee, Mitt Romney, during an important
Former President George W. Bush, bewildered by this landmark reconciliation, wondered what effect it would have on the "war on terrorism" started by him.
"Our country needs a good war to pull it out of the black and put its people back to work and I worked very hard to jump start war over there between the
camel jockies. I'm not sure Suzy Komenski, a young single mother of six paraplegic children, who works in the camouflage plant in Butte, Montana, or
Willy I. Johnson, father of sixteen, who works at the U. S. Ordinance, Inc. machine gun plant in Reno, will take too kindly to the thought of going
back to peace and unemployment. No sir, we NEED for those two middle eastern peoples to keep up their ageless, senseless, squabble - it's good for
our economy and it's what keeps the American people in jobs and that's what the people are grumbling about today - more jobs - and if I were still
in the White House, if I were Mr. Obama, I would do all I could in my power to upset the applecart over there and get those folks back at each other's
throats again and keep America working." Neither the Palestinian Authorities nor the Israeli Primary Minister cared to offer a comment on the former
president's comments. Netanyahu did ask, however, "Is he still alive? If I had dropped the ball on the security of my country - ignoring all the clear warning signs -
and let a 911-like attack happen in Israel, my people would string me up by the heels, remove my testicles with desk sizzors, and pour hot camel urine into the hole!"
President Obama, still flush from his recent re-election, expressed his utter joy at the historic reconciliation but requested verification from the
Arabs and Jews as to whether or not Syria borders on Iran, as so claimed by Mitt Romney. "Let there be no mistake about it - I want ta be sure who America will
not be bombing in the near future as I don't want to not bomb somebody by mistake".
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BRINKS HOME SECURITY HEADQUARTERS BURGLARIZED - 10/11/12
BOCA RATON, FLORIDA (BOCA SNOOP)
The early dawn calm in Boca Raton, Florida, was shattered today by sirens as police responded to reports of a break-in
at the Brinks Home Security world corporate headquarters. A woman walking her dog saw suspicious activity at the facility
and text-messaged authorities with the Citizens Watch ap. Apparently, a bunch of burglar alarms and security cameras were
taken. No arrests have been made and police have no suspects in custody.
A security camera image revealed the masked scoundrels entering the lunchroom where they apparently took several sandwiches from
a vending machine without paying. A source close to the investigation, who has asked to remain anonymous, has said that two security guards, Willy McDermott
and Janice Dittlebank, were clocked in but apparently were not at their post at the front door at the time of the break-in.
Police discovered the guards asleep on the floor in front of a filing cabinet in a store room. The guards reportedly have claimed that
the intruders forced them strip down and go to sleep.
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AMERICA COULD BE 'TAKEN OVER' WARNS ROSS PEROT - 9/29/12
HOUSTON, TEXAS (LONG HORN PRESS)
In a recent interview for his new autobiography, former presidential candidate and mulit-quadrillionaire, Ross Perot,
said that he is worried that America is so weakened economically that it is a sitting duck for a hostile takeover
by some foreign invader. He said neither of the presidential candidates is aware of the impending danger nor possesses
the ability to do anything about it before or after we are attacked.
Though not specifically mentioned in his book, Perot offered several possibilities when querried about who or what might
take us over. "Mars is at the top of his list", he said. "I've seen the latest data from that space probe, Curious Rover,
or whatever the name of that fangled contraption is, and the evidence points like a hunting hound dog to the possibility that
a civilization of some sort lives under the polar permanentfrost of that planet and its got me and a buncha smart people down here
on terrafirma worried sick. Second, we need to take a close gander at that Europea, a big moon of Jupiter. It's not that far
away, ya know, and it's atmosphere is composed primarily of oxygen and other gases that are okay to breathe. The surface
is mostly water ice, which I happen to love on a hot Texas Summer day, and you'd have to be dumber than a flea on a
mechanical horse not to see the road system on the surface of that moon, indicating that an advanced primordial
extraterrestrial intelligence resides there. If they are keepin an eye on us, lookin for weakness before they pounce,
well, now's the best time since the Great Depression, which my carpetbagger parents lived through during the dust bowl.
Now - there's also a very great chance that the alien invaders who built the great pyramids and them Nazca line drawings
down in Peru might return.
I'm told they might come through one o' them black holes, which the space experts now think might
be smaller than a titmouse in a barnyard. Does Matt Romney or Mr. O'bamba know even the slightest thing about black holes or telestars?
The chance is fatter than a Guernsey before milkin'. What can they do about it? Nuthin. That's where I come in.
I have billions of dollars which I could use to
help bolster our planetary defenses with laser beams and whatnot and help show these potential invaders that we will
not lay down and allow ourselves to be packaged off to some foreign planet like sardines in a can. That's why I, Ross Perot,
am entering the presidential race at such a late stage. I did not abandon you, my American children. I am here for you.
You bought computers from me and I appreciate that. So, let's stand up and fight the aliens together, hook and nail."
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JERSEY GOVERNOR CHRISTIE HANDLES PROTESTERS JERSEY-LIKE - 1/9/12
EXETER, NEW HAMPSHIRE (ROUTERS)
Mitt Romney's speech at his campaign rally at an Exeter high school was interrupted repeatedly by angry
protesters who shouted incessantly, "Mitt kills jobs". Some were escorted out, but the shouts did not stop. Romney,
campaigning just days before the New Hampshire primary, said to them, "I'm happy to have you guys express your views,
only, next time, and in no way am I trying to tread on your First Amendment rights, if you wouldn't mind being a little nicer and
polite and courteous, and use inside voices, I'd really appreciate it. Thanks a bunch. There's schnickerdoodle cookies and milk in the back."
Nevertheless, the protests continued unabated...
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, a potential vice presidential running mate should Romney win the Republican presidential
nomination, handled the protesters a little differently, a little less Mormon-like, a little more Jersey-like. When he spoke
to the huge crowd jammed into the gymnasium and hecklers yelled, "Christie kills jobs," Christie barked out, "Oh Really?
Listen up, sweetheart, something may get killed here tonight but it ain't gonna be no jobs, if you get my drift. In my
neighborhood, we deal with big mouths like youse the old fashion way -- we break your fuckin' legs and wrap 'em
around your fuckin' neck, then we put your balls in a vice and squeeze 'em til your fuckin' eyes pop out, which we then pack
in your labonza before we stuff your cold dead rigormorticized body into a 50 gallon drum and dump in the Passiac River. Now, where was I?"
There were no more outbursts from any of the protesters in the audience for the rest of his speech. In fact, none said another word for well over six
hours AFTER the rally ended.
Christie went on to send a clear New Jersey message to the president when he said, "Mr. President, you're up there in the
family quarters of the White House. Put your feet up and don't worry about it. Mitt Romney is going to bring people together
and, with a few favors from these guys I know, a few heads are gonna roll in fuckin' Washington". The crowd roared its
approval. "He handled those idiots just the way I would expect him too -- with a big fuckin' stick," said Mike Giorino, 50, of
Newton, New Hampshire. "I think Christie is just the right amount of punch, stab and bang, if you get what I'm sayin'."
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PHANTOM SURGERY ON PHANTOM LIMB CURES MAN'S PHANTOM PAIN - 12/3/11
ALBUQUERQUE, NEW MEXICO (ASSOCIATED MEDICAL REPORTERS)
Jorge Pierna lost his right leg in a freak elevator door accident
ten years ago when he tried to hold the door open for his mother
who had, oddly enough, lost her own leg in a freak escalator accident ten
years prior while assisting his grandmother, who was on crutches from
a fall down a flight of stairs. Since the accident, Pierna has
suffered continuous extreme pain from the amputated leg, pain
referred to as "phantom limb pain", a syndrome first described more
than five hundred years ago. Pierna has undergone numerous forms of
physical and psychological therapy for the debilitating disability
but nothing has served to relieve the agony he feels on a
daily basis from the absentee leg. Heat application, biofeedback,
relaxation training, massage to the amputation stump, acupuncture,
inacupuncture, transcutaneous electrical nerve stimulation (TENS),
and direct electrification to the peri-aqueductal grey
pain centers in the brain stem brought no relief whatsoever, nor did
a wide variety of drugs, including, analgesics, neuroleptics,
anticonvulsants, tricyclic antidepressants, bicyclic antidepressants,
beta-blockers, sodium channel blockers, sun blockers, ecstasy, cocaine,
methamphetamine, model glue, chloroform, and aspergum. He underwent Freudian
psychotherapy, cognitive restructuring, aversive behavioral counter-conditioning,
systematic terror exposure therapy, irrational emotive shock treatment,
humanistic primal yelp therapy,
and active listening training. It seemed nothing the doctors or psychologists
did mattered. Jorge became suicidal and quit his job. He left his wife
and killed his dog. He refused to eat meat and wandered the streets
on the weekends. His life was in turmoil.
And then Jorge heard about a new, radical, revolutionary -- and controversial -- procedure being
performed at The Center For Cruel and Unusual Pain: Phantom Limb and
Specter Headaches Department, in Pueblo, Colorado. It seemed the
Doctors at this exclusive desert medical retreat
facility had gotten a "leg up" on this debilitating disorder -- and their
purported success rate was an unimaginable 98 percent. So, Jorge
decided one last time to try to rid himself of the ersatz yoke of phantom limb
pain. He decided to undergo the pioneering and unorthodox procedure.
"I guess it's as if I made up a dream of an imitation miracle that I fully believe didn't necessarily take place" --
The doctors performed a phantom, imaginary surgery
on Jorge's phantom leg. During this newfangled pioneering procedure, the patient
remains awake and watches the doctors perform a mock surgery on the
mock leg. The false-fronting doctors, headed by Dr. Frantz Charlataine,
go through all the motions of performing a
remedial surgery during which they discuss the procedure openly, pass
scalpels, forceps and other surgical implements amongst themselves,
request cotton compresses, aspirate imaginary blood,
have fake sweat dabbed from their brows, and pretend to make various
trumped-up incisions of skin and muscle tissues. They even pretend
to have a mid-surgery emergency in
which there is false blood loss. Alarms and buzzers go off, equipment screens
flash "Warning!" and "Danger!" and "Emergency!" and faux rare
plasma is flown in from a nonexistent out-of-town blood bank. There
is even discussion that maybe the patient won't make it. But, then the
artificial plasma arrives just in the nick of time, the immediate family (or
reasonable facsimile) pretends to thank God, and the make-believe
Finally, the doctors go through the motions
of suturing up the sham incisions
and the patient is taken to a bogus recovery room. In fact, the doctors,
themselves, are not real doctors at all but rather are nothing more
than mere out-of-work has-been actors from the canceled medical TV series, Emergency
Room, who undergo further flimflam training at the Willis School of Hack Acting in Los Angeles.
The radical procedure also includes post-operative
follow up appointments with the "doctors" as well as illusory physical
therapy sessions on the nonexistent limb and unreal prescriptions for
placebo pain killers (actually Flintstone vitamins with the limbs removed).
The result: since undergoing the thespius operation, Jorge has felt none of
the illusory painful sensations that he used to feel from the phantom limb.
He is completely cured of this nonexistent disorder.
"It seems like I've been really duped and almost hornswoggled. I'm definitely pretty sure
I can no longer feel the put-on pain that
I think I used to imagine that I didn't have.
The whole make-believe hoax of phantom pain has been partially invalidated, or so it seems" -- Jorge Pierna
Despite his seeming cure, Mr. Pierna unfortunately now complains daily
of ad nauseum, fever pitch,
red diarrhea #4, amenorrhea, factitious neologisms, cold flashes,
longness of breath, swollen lumph nodes of Ranvier,
b-hives, loose lips, sewerness of the anoid spincter,
tightness of the wad, blood on the trax, yellowing of
the skin due to fallacious cowardice, pain in the arse,
heavyheadedness, the fire down below, strolling oldmonia, big foot,
mass confusion at church, ringing in the ears due to Bell's palsy, horseness
of the throat, abnormal gate, and invertigo, all of which
he attributes indirectly to not catching phony
strains of the nonexistent replica stomach bug, Nono-virus, from uncontaminated
play surgical implements not used during the genuinely simulated
pseudo-psycho-surgery. He has been given erroneously, and by proxy, a concocted regimen
of dummy antibiotics in lieu of nothing and is scheduled for fraudulent mimic
blood dialysis in absentia
at the Quaack Institute in Mountebank, New Jersey.
BACK TO TOP
MAN GETS SEVEN YEARS GOOD LUCK FROM BROKEN MIRROR - 11/11/11
BATON ROUGE (UNITED PARANORMAL PRESS) A man shocked fellow members of the American Society of Superstition
at their annual convention here when he revealed on Monday night that, contrary to what would normally be
expected by the over 200 members in attendance, he received seven years of good luck, rather than bad luck,
from a mirror he accidentally broke back in 2003. Luke Smythe, of 1313 Chancery Street, Baton Rouge, made his
claim during a question and answer session following a convention seminar entitled, "Step On A Crack: Fiction
or Fact", whose guest speakers included the likes of Felix Worcheski, record holder of the longest losing streak
in Las Vegas slot machine history (726 quarters played without a single payout), Shiva Paisley, owner of the largest
collection of dyed rabbits feet in the world (42,622), and Dexter Boniface, whose acclaimed book, Picking Winning
Lottery Numbers, has topped the list of best selling paranormal books two years a running. Mr. Smythe said he felt
compelled to, "dispel the myth that bad luck is the only sort of luck that can arise from breaking a mirror ".
In his brief address to the seminar audience, he described an incredible sequence of fortuitous and lucky events,
which took place over a period of about seven years following the breakage of a large, concave mirror inside the
House of Mirrors amusement attraction while Smythe was on vacation at Jazzland Amusement Park and Marti Gras Museum
in New Orleans. He explained that he slipped on a half-eaten Po Boy and that his elbow shattered the mirror. "I was
walking toward the mirror, and was sorta laffin at how my neck was lookin' real long and whatnot, and I didn't see
the sandwich on the floor. That's when I plowed into the funny mirror. I can't figure why a person would leave a
sandwich right there on the floor, but it worked out to the good for me".
Smythe, a 13-year member of the association, immediately
thought he was in for seven years of bad luck. But, he said,
he was quite shocked and pleased when incredibly, just days after the incident, good luck started coming his way when
he narrowly avoided hitting a dog while doing 80 on the Interstate. He ran over the mutt but, apparently, the wheels
of his 4x4 just missed squishing it and the animal scampered off into the bayou. About one week after the breakage of
the mirror, Smythe found a $20 dollar bill blowing across the street in front of his house and within the first year,
he had won $150 in the Super Quikie Scratchers lottery, $621.52 at Keno at the Boontown Casino, a self-basting
Thanksgiving turkey from Pigley Wigley, and a $1 raffle drawing at LeGrand's Crawdad-n-Brew, netting him a 1-day/3-night
stay at Jack's beautiful Gator Ranch near Lake Pontchartrain, including one free souvenir alligator wallet.
But the luck didn't stop there. Over the next six years, Smythe benefited repeatedly from his mirror-shattering experience.
He found a diamond engagement ring in the sand at Cabo San Luco beach, appraised at Ernie's Pawn and Chaw, (located in
the Bourbon and Saints Shopping Center next to Tebeau's Park-n-Chew) at over two hundred bucks, a roll of dimes under
the seat of a rental car, two antique picture frames in his attic valued at over a hun, $46.25 playing poker ($10 buy-in
with quarter and fifty cent small and big blinds) with a couple of his old army buddies, Clarence and Rayfield Jones and
Holland Wingate, and he won a lifetime supply of Mop-n-Glow mop wipes when he was the 100,000th customer at Bon Jour Hardware.
But, the strongest evidence that Smythe is in the throes
of a veritable good luck cavalcade came when he recently clicked
open an email from a Mr. Salihu Ahmed, with the auditing and account unit of the Africa Development Bank (ADB), who informed
him that his department came across "a very huge sum of money belonging to a deceased person who died on 16th February 1998
in a plane crash", and that the fund has been, "dormant in an account with this Bank without any claim of the fund in their
custody either from the victim's family or relation before his discovery to that development" and that, although personally,
Ahmed keeps this information "secret within himself to enable the whole plans and idea be Profitable and successful during
the time of execution", he was willing to put his reputation on the line. The said amount was, "U.S $9.2M (NINE million
TWO hundred Thousand United States dollars)". And, the incredible thing is, Smythe need only provide "a very small and
reasonable document processing fee ($4500 dollars U.S.) in order to lay claim" to this treasure trove, a pittance compared
to those millions. Smythe said he promptly sent a cashiers check to Mr. Ahmed so as to lock up the funds and is awaiting
Mr. Ahmed's return from his vacation in Mecca after which he said the money will be promptly sent.
And, to top it all off, as if this good fortune were not
enough, Smythe received yet another pot-of-gold email recently,
this time from a Dr. Pinkett Griffin, official fiduciary contact person for the UK National Lottery, who informed Smythe
that his e-mail address had won the U.K. cyber lotto draw held on 10th September 2011 and that he has been approved for a
lump sum payout £1,000,000.00 (GBP) One Million Pounds and that all he has to do to file and claim his winning is, again,
pay a nominal claim assessment fee ($1200) and fly to the U.K. with the cash. It really does seem like Smythe has been
absolutely blessed by the proverbial gods of bonne chance.
When asked by fellow convention attendee, Louise Kineshaw, owner of over 3000 horseshoes, if he had ever had such luck
before in his life, Smythe proclaimed, "Hell no! I ain't never won nuthin' in my whole life! And now all this! It's friggin'
great! Just great! I think I might just break another mirror and get some more!"
Smythe reportedly has begun to write his good luck memoirs so as to chronicle the wave of good fortune which has befallen
him since that fateful day when he broke the mirror in the funhouse. As a footnote, Smythe's lawyers recently informed him
that the funhouse has offered a four figure settlement and he has been offered a $500 advance on his memoirs, which adds
to the wave of terrific luck.
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CANADA ONE-UPS DUBAI'S INDOOR SKI RESORT WITH INDOOR DESERT - 10/12/11
YELLOWKNIFE, NORTHWEST TERRITORY, CANADA, (DRI - DESERT REPORTERS INTERNATIONAL)
Canada unveiled its answer to Dubai's famous indoor ski resort, built
in a blistering Middle East desert, when it opened the doors to its fantastic
indoor desert resort in the icy cold Canadian arctic city of
Yellowknife in the Northwest Territory.
The multi-leveled complex, aptly named The Canadian Desert Resort, contains
over 325 million tons of real desert sand, imported from such far away reaches
as the Gobi, Kalahari, and Sahara deserts, and comprises more than 40
acres of artificial, man-made desert on six floors, each re-creating
a different famous desert.
Owner, creator and desert philanthropist, Canadian trillionaire, Eric
McDugall, pictured here with wife, Kitty, and brother, James,
said he is happier that a salmon in a spawning pool to
see his 5-year, 8-billion-dollar pet project finally come to
fruition. "I got the idea when I was in the Middle East on
business, eh? I was in Dubai and I saw they were building a giant
indoor ski resort right in the middle of the desert, eh? So, I
got to thinking, maybe we ought build a desert right here in the
middle of the frozen Canadian arctic bad lands. If they could do the
seemingly impossible in Dubai, I thought we could seemingly do it, too, eh?"
The ski resort in Dubai produces tons of snow each day and features beginner and
intermediate ski runs, ski moguls, oil moguls, and a giant hot
tub that holds 3000. There is even a ski patrol with imported St. Bernard search
dogs to search for visitors who get lost in the huge and expensive ski mall
underneath the fake slopes.
The Canadian Desert Resort features many desert activities, including camel
polo, Gila trapping, dune surfing, sand hockey, cross-country sand skiing, demolition dune
buggy, sand sled dog races, and a real mock-up of an artificial
desert oasis, complete with fake mirages and fake campground facilities.
Visitors can even go on a three day Ali Baba adventure through all
six desert floors, complete with camel caravan, 40 thieves, and
a harem of 21 virgins.
McDugall has also populated the indoor desert complex with fauna and
flora indigenous to the desert world, including rattle and sidewinder
snakes, scorpions, iguanas, geckos, fire ants, stinkbugs, chuckwallas, buzzards, and vultures.
"We want our visitors to experience what it's like to be lost in the
desert without a compass, with no water, no TV, and surrounded by
dangerous animals and predators -- only, we'll be watching them the whole
time with magic carpet cams".
The Royal Canadian Mounted Police have created a special unit to patrol
the vast indoor desert territory. Head of Grizzly Division, Captain
George French, of Fort Saskawachatoon, announced a continuous Mountie
presence in the facility: "It is our sworn duty, eh? as Royal Canadian
Mounties, with a history going back over 130 years, eh? to protect,
keep safe, and watch out for, our fellow sovereign Canadians, no
matter where they choose to go in this vast wilderness we love
and call Oh Canada, eh? This inside desert idea of Mr. McDugall's is
a new territory for us Mounties, eh? a new challenge from which we
shall not sway nor waver, for a Mountie is fearless, steadfast,
loyal, true blue and honest in all situations that involve Canadians, eh?"
The remote arctic resort, located nearly 3000 miles from the nearest
hint of human civilization, has been open for a little over a month but has
seen only eight visitors. McDugall is not at all worried by the low turnout,
however. "I'm sure that Canadians far and wide will flock to this
marvelous and authentic desert attraction", he said, "just as soon
as the weather breaks, eh? Visitors can get a flight directly into
Saskatoon from Edmonton, and from there, there will be daily dog
sled trains across the glacial outland, over the Tundra Pass, across the
great permafrost fields, through the land of the lost moors and
bogs, over the Northwest Passage,
across the ice highway, and on into Yellowknife proper, eh? Should take the average
traveler about two weeks to get here in Summer, when the weather's
above 20 below and below 20 above. Winter, should take a few weeks longer.
It's a bit of a trek to get here but, hey,
they'll find it's worth it. We keep it over a hundred degrees
year round inside, plus we have plenty of sand blasters for those
who need to remove paint from metal objects. That should bring my
fellow Canucks in droves, eh? If not, I'll dismantle the whole thing
and go into the cement business... eh?"
Pierre Alagonquin, from Manitoba, who crossed
the Canadian Alps via Inuit Indian country to get to Yellowknife's Desert Resort, camped outside
in the frigid blistering cold for three days and six nights to get tickets for
the grand opening. He is recovering from jack frost bite, cold shoulder, and penis brittle.
"Actually, I didn't know I could get tickets online, eh? Next year, eh? If they have
another grand opening, eh? That's what I'm going to do, eh?"
Little Lanny MacThompson, age 9, on vacation with his family from Ottawa, BC
has mixed emotions about the resort. "I like the beach but there's no water
to swim in, eh? Plus, the sand beetles bite real hard and give you like these big nasty welts, eh?
Sand hockey is a big joke, eh? -- the puck goes like two feet with a slap shot. If you
don't have a sand wedge stick, forget it, eh? And
it's hot as hell in here -- whoops, I'm not allowed to cuss, eh? Anyways,
I can't wait to get back home."
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NOTRE DAME ANNOUNCES NEW POSITION - 7/27/11
NORTH BEND, INDIANA (NATIONAL ATHLETIC REPORTERS)
Notre Dame Fighting Irish head football coach, Brian Kelly, announced
today that the team would be adding a new position to this year's offensive
roster. In addition to a quarterback, a full back, and a tail back, the team
will be adding the position of a hunchback to the lineup. "The hunchback will
spring from a permanent crouching position in front of the quarterback, explode
through the line and ring the bells of the defensive linebackers", Kelly
explained. "Once in the back field, the hunchback, who will wear no facemask,
will also cause additional havoc by disgusting the pass defenders with his
hideous, repulsive face". According to Kelly, the hunchback will also be used
on special teams: he will swing from the goal posts to distract fieldgoal
kickers, pour hot oil onto opposition fans, and throw the enemy head coach
from the campus bell tower.
"We have selected as our first hunchback a great player from the European
Monastic Seminary College League, Quasimoto Larue, who will transfer
to Notre Dame this Fall."
NCAA officials announced that Notre Dame's addition of a hunchback position
is currently under review due to protests by division rivals, Michigan State,
who claim that the new position is so revolting that it will
cause local townspeople to avoid attending key Notre Dame matchups,
costing the college revenue, and riot in the streets with pitchforks
and torches. Quasimoto blogged on his Facebook wall, "I know I'm ugly LOL
but I just want to play football and I'm ecstatic that Notre Dame has
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INTERNET'S LOCATION FINALLY REVEALED - 02/21/11
BUTTE, MONTANA (COMPUPRESS INTERNATIONAL) A recent Gallup Poll of Americans revealed that 999 out of a thousand
have no idea where the Internet is, which prompted Jonathan Geese, 17, of Portsmouth, New Jersey, to begin the
long and arduous task of tracking down the precise location of the digital mega network. "I thought it might be in
DC, cause that's where Al Gore, the creator of the Internet, once lived. I also checked Tennessee, which is where he
was born. But, it's not in either of those locations. Geese, a senior computer nerd at Portsmouth High School and
part-time sales clerk at Bernie's House of Computers on Larmar Street, has been interested in computers practically
from birth, said his mother, June. "He's been on this kick from the moment I bought him that used MacPlus on eBay.
Now, he sits in his room in front of his computer just about all day, typin' and clicking. It must be painful because
I always hear him moanin' in there".
The tenacious Geese said, "I searched in Silicon Valley. No dice.
I checked out Salt Lake City. I figured the Mormons might
be behind it. Zilch. Area 51 seemed like a good candidate, but I hacked into their site and came up with squat. No luck in
Areas 57, 64 or 66. Same thing for the Pentagon. So, that's when I got the brilliant idea that the
Internet would not be kept in
some obvious place, like New York or Los Angeles, but rather some obscure locality, so as to protect it from terrorist
saboteurs. Geese used his other computer geek friends to assist in his plight. Timothy Vildashantz told us, "The Goose -
that's what we call Jonathan - had us log into the Internet at precisely 12 midnight from 4 different cities using precise
atomic time. He then measured the time it took to log in and, from those data, he was able to accurately pin-point the
central hub of the internet. Simple, but brilliant. That's
The Goose". Geese now claims that the Internet is located in the basement of a man named Lucas Slobin of 1212 Bison Avenue
in Butte, Montana. Slobin, a feed and grain expert, when
contacted by The Goose, admitted that, indeed, his basement is where the Internet is kept. He said that two men in black
suits and dark sunglasses approached him two years prior and told him that he had been selected by the president to be
the keeper of the coveted digital network because of his low-key profile and nondescript demeanor.
Slobin's next-door neighbor, Artimore Fleisher, said, "I thought something fishy was going on down there, all them lights
and beeping noises and whatnot. And, the way he walks, all stiff like a robot. I used to think it was just gaut, but now,
I don't know. You think you know you're neighbors". The "Goose" was happy that he finally put an end to the great mystery and said
now he plans on trying to find the corporate headquarters of Amway.
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OBAMA SIGNS LANDMARK REPEAL - 12/21/10
SAN FRANCISCO (NATIONAL ENDOWMENT FOR THE ADVANCEMENT OF PEOPLE WITH ALTERNATE
LIFESTYLES TOTALLY FREE PRESS)
President of the United States, Barack Obama, signed into law today the landmark
repeal of the military's "don't ask, don't tell" policy, handing a major victory to
advocates of gay rights and fulfilling a campaign promise to do away with what he
called a "discriminatory practice". In a press conference immediately following the
signing, Obama said, "look, gay guys have just as much right to be in the military
and destroy our enemies as any normal person" and, in fact, he argued, this
historic change in policy might turn out to be a boon for the enlistee-strapped
military, in the wake of the US government's miscues in the Middle East. "I'm
guessing, gays will be lining up, one behind the other, to enlist in the armed services now that they
don't have to keep all hush hush about their business." Railing against critics
of the repeal who have argued for decades that gays are just too effeminate and
wouldn't make good fighters and would just want to "talk it out", the President
said, "that's bull - you ever see two gay guys goin' at it in a club over a drink spilled
on a satin shirt? Forget about it. Ditto for lesbians in a three-way cat fight. Nuff said".
When asked by military specialist correspondent, Johnny Alvarez, about the possibility
that letting large numbers of gay women in the military might have an adverse effect
on the male members in the forces, perhaps turning them against women, the President
said, "I ain't worried about that", and suggested that the new freedom for
gay men and women, alike, to don the uniforms of service, might end up having a "net
positive effect", suggesting that perhaps gay men and women in the military might "get
together and go straight and all will be good".
The military has been formulating new rules for the handling of cross-genderfication and has
been considering various names for the new policy, such as, "Don't pry, don't snitch",
"Hear no evil, see no evil, feel no evil", and "Ask not what your gay people can do for you. Ask what
you can do for your gay people".
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POST OFFICE ANNOUNCES "GOING POSTAL IS FUN" CAMPAIGN TO COUNTER
HOMICIDAL STEREOTYPE - 6/23/10
STAMPVILLE, ILLINOIS (CONFEDERATED REPORTERS)
The Postmaster Lieutenant Colonel, Ralph Cammarado, announced the launch
today of the Post Office's latest P/R campaign aimed at shooting
down the negative image that the Post Office breeds insane
mass murderers. In the wake of a barrage of cases of Postal workers
going berserk and gunning down their fellow workers and anyone
else who happens to be around, the phrase "going postal" has eeked
its way into the popular vernacular, a morbidly jocular reference
to these wanton and senseless shootings.
"We'd really like to kill this inaccurate image of our beloved Post Office",
Cammarado pulpited, "stop it dead in its tracks. People have got to
realize that the Post Office is
a fun place to visit with lots of fun, happy people working here.
Many people go to their local Post Office each and every single day, only to
be greeted by the smiling happy faces of our jovial, fun-loving
workers. You're bound to get a laugh here. While waiting in line
to buy your fun Barack Obama commemorative stamps, you're likely
to hear a funny quip about the timeliness of our postal service,
or a knee-slapper about the post man using pepper spray on his
eggs, or a groaner about how the post office is still the most
efficient parcel delivery service in North America, except for
Canada and Mexico - get it? That's funny because there's only three countries
in North America... I think. See? We're not all just a bunch of homicidal
maniacs looking for someone to "stamp out", if you'll pardon the
pun. Oh contraire - going postal is fun!"
The Post Office hopes that the 'Going Postal Is Fun' campaign will also
help stem the drain-off of Post Office business to email and
other parcel delivery services like Fedex and UPS. "This is
no joke -- email is killing our business. The Post Office hasn't
been under attack like this since the Commanches declared war on
the Pony Express back in 1872. Pretty soon, the only
thing we will be delivering is junk mail and, with all the junk
email going around these days, we may even lose that business." Cammarado
unveiled the new, commemorative "33.333..." stamp, an indication, he says, that
the Post Office really does have a good sense of humor.
Jerome Higgins, mail sorter at the downtown Camden, New Jersey
PO branch, said in a lunchtime interview, "Lookie here - it's fun down in here.
We all love workin' for the Post Office so don't let nobody say, it ain't a good
time down in here. A day
don't go by that somebody don't pull some kinda practical joke or
tell some kinda gut-busta. Man, I about fell out the other day when my co-worker, Taisha,
had went and put a snake in my locker that she found under the main sorter. I guess
somebody musta sent it in a parcel or somethin' and it musta got loose. Or the time
Mr. Jenner, our shift supervisor, went and switched out all the ink pens with ones with
that disappearing ink in 'em. I'll tell you what -- it's crazy up in here
some times. So, don't even let me catch nobody bad-mouthin' the P O, or sendin'
none of that got'dang email booshit or I'll whup your sorry digital ass up and
down MLK Boulevard!"
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BIDEN WARNS AMERICA: STAY OFF SUBWAYS AND PLANES TO AVOID SWINE FLU - 4/30/09
WASHINGTON (UNIFIED REPORTERS)
Vice President Joe Biden said Thursday that he would not recommend that
any American take any commercial flight or ride in a subway at this point
because of the threat of the swine flu virus. The advice, however, immediately
sent shock waves through the Obama administration and President Barack Obama
was reportedly incensed at Biden's latest gaff. The last thing the White House
wants to do right now in is shut down the airline industry and big-city subways
because the second highest leader of the free world instigates mass panic by
spreading uninformed paranoia and an hour after his statement the White House
arranged for Biden, prone historically to making such political gaffs, to back
off the ill-advised and potentially economically disastrous warning. Biden
quickly released the following statement:
"Well, what I meant was, it's not that it's going to Mexico that's the
beef, it's you're in confined places. Everybody knows that if you re out in
the middle of a field when somebody cuts one loose, that's one thing. But,
when you are in confined places it fills the whole cabin and everybody gets
a whiff, so I'm guessing swine flu would waft around like that, too, you know,
infecting other people.
"So, to clarify, I would definitely take a plane or a subway to Mexico --
do they have subways to Mexico? I don't know -- but I would go. I would
just take a few minor precautions, like, I would disinfect the plane
or train with an anti-andromeda bomb before entering. I think I would smear
anti-teratogen antiseptic lotion all over my body and put on a class-7
anti-microbial mask and full-body anti-germ warfare suit. I would also
eat a bunch of Vitamin D9, raw clove stem and St. Edmund's wart weed
with Ginseng root extract for about a week before traveling so as to
boost my immune system. I'd also go on some sort of positive attitude
TM retreat to boost my mental resolve to thwart off disease states,
and, of course, I'd shower in scalding hot water for six hours upon
arrival. I've heard that gasoline kills swine flu, but I wouldn't
necessarily drink that. That's me, and that's the advice I am giving
to family members."
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PRESIDENT BUSH GETS
NEW PAIR OF SHOES (THROWN AT HIM) - 12/14/08
BAGHDAD (JIHADAL PRESS ASSOCIATES) An unhappy Iraqi man threw his shoes at
President George W. Bush during a news conference with Iraq Prime Minister
Nouri al-Maliki on Sunday, Dec. 14. Bush adroitly ducked both shoes. Ever
the politician, Bush made light of the situation and thanked the man for giving
him such a nice pair of shoes -- Reebok Hex Ride Rally II men's basketball shoes --
and he also thanked him for "buying merchandise made in the good ol' U.S. of America".
Later in the day, at another press conference in Tal Afar, a Syrian man
threw his jockey strap at Bush, calling Bush a big American dick. Bush, however,
returned the item saying, "I don't have much need for a jockey strap".
Moments later, an Iraqi women reached under her burqa and
threw her bra at him, claiming to be in love with the
soon-to-be-ex-president, who said he was flattered by the gesture but
couldn't bring her back to Texas with him.
Yet another woman threw a baby at him, claiming it was his. He had no
comment, however, and discussed the recent U.S.-Iraqi agreement. "Once the
accordion is in place, and the insurgery has been dispelled, Iraqi women
all over the world will be able to bear illegitimate children without fear
of stoning, just like in the U.S."
The President will visit Afghanistan tomorrow and urged his fans there
not to shower him with such gifts but rather
to "donate the precedes to their favorite war hospital" and to give him
information on the whereabouts of the headquarters of the Talibananas.
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"I WANT TO
CUT HIS NUTS OFF!" JACKSON APOLOGIZES AFTER REMARK ABOUT OBAMA - 7/10/08
BLOOMBERG (INFILLIATED WATCHDOGS) The Right Reverend Jesse Jackson, who
unsuccessfully sought the Democratic presidential nomination in 1984 and 1988,
apologized today for what he admitted was a "crude" comment he had made
about Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama following a
television appearance back on July 6th.
Jackson was on Fox News when a microphone picked up his remark suggesting
that Obama was patronizing blacks, "talking down to black people on this
faith-based". He then said, "I want to cut his nuts off". It seems,
Jackson didn't know the microphone was on. He was commenting on talks Obama
had made in black churches about parental responsibility and other issues.
"And if the man keeps putting my people down, I will sever his penis with a samurai
sword, slice it into wafer thin segments, deep fry them, and serve them to my
pit bull. If that don't shut his sorry ass up about black folks, I will skewer his
buttocks over an open fire pit and fling them into the gaping mouth of a
great white shark. Word. And if he keeps on keepin' on with his trash mouth after
that, I will extract his prostate gland with a rusty hanger, barbecue it
like a marshmellow and eat it my own damn self. Amen."
In his apology, Jackson said, "Anything I said in a hot-mic statement
that's interpreted as a distraction, I offer apologies for that. Obviously,
I have no intention of disemboweling or castrating Mr. Obama," Jackson
said at a news conference today.
"I have supported Barack's campaign with passion from the very beginning,
even though I should be the one who is in line for the presidency. I
thought the very idea made sense. After all, any black man, even if he's
only half black, is better than no black man when we're talking about
runnin' for president, and I don't mean that in a disparaging way to Mr.
Obama," Jackson said, "not in the least".
Obama campaign spokesman Bill Burton said Obama, "will continue to speak out
about our responsibilities to ourselves and each other, and Barack of course
accepts the old preacher's apology, as well as his very generous
contribution to the Obama campaign, the precise amount of
which I am not at liberty to disclose."
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BOY BAND CREATOR
SENTENCED TO 25 YEARS IN PRISON - 5/21/08
ORLANDO (ASSOCIATED COURT PREVARICATORS) - Lou Pearlman, the man
who created the Backstreet Boys and 'N Sync, was sentenced Wednesday
to five years in federal prison for engineering a decades-long scam
that bilked thousands of investors out of their life savings.
It was the maximum sentence the boy band mogul could receive for
allegedly swindling some $300 million from investors and banks
since the early 1980s.
U.S. District Judge G. Kendall Sharp noted that many victims
were his relatives, friends and retirees in their 70s or 80s,
little crippled orphans, blind children, and quadriplegic
folks who lost everything and were put out on the street.
In a statement before the court at sentencing, Pearlman said, "I really don't
think I should be punished because I suffer from Antisocial Personality
Disorder and couldn't help taking advantage of people of lesser worth that me.
Besides, most of the people only lost money they had earmarked for retirement and, since
we're all going to die in 2012, they can't take it with them, right?"
"The sympathy factor just doesn't run very high with the court," Sharp said. The judge
tacked on an additional 20 years for having been responsible for creating one of
the most asinine genres in human music history, causing untold destruction of libido.
"I can only hope that, if aliens one day come to our great planet, that they recognize that
that... "music"... is not typical of us good humans and that we, indeed, saw fit to punish the creator of it".
BACK TO TOP
ACE CSI MIAMI SLEUTH GARY DURDEN
BUSTED BIG TIME IN REAL LIFE - 5/1/08
PALM SPRINGS (DESERT HOT PRESS)
Gary Durden, acclaimed CSI actor and arguably the greatest black TV detective
vice squad sleuth in TV cop show history, was arrested this week for
possession of cocaine, heroin, ecstasy, monster, acid, squeeze,
oxycontin, reefer, hash, bennies, dexies, ludes, opium, THC, STP,
Testors model glue, angel dust, nitric oxide, snuff, amyl nitrate,
pamprin, codeine, 14 cases of illegal Cuban beer and a corn mash white
lightening still. Durden was discovered passed out in his vehicle at 5:21 AM on
a deserted Palm Springs side-street with a syringe in his arm, a joint in his ear, a
beer bong strapped to his face and a heart defibrllator mounted on his chest. He
was also booked on suspicion of operating an illegal speakeasy out of
the trunk of his car.
Durden was heard ranting at police as they hauled him into custody, "Problunk not me!
Whosit!? Frick limps! Eye is you nim watch! Nastabling!" He was held in custody for
several hours before posting $5000 bail.
CSI producers could not be reached for direct comment but released the following
statement through the show's publicist: "Mr. Durden has been released
from his contract with CSI as an actor. However, he has been retained by the show
as an expert consultant on severe drug addiction and a CSI episode loosely based
upon his life is in the works."
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POPE TELLS BUSH, U.S., TO
BASE DECISIONS ON MORAL PRINCIPLES - 4/16/08
WASHINGTON (AFFILIATED PAPAL SCRIBES)
In an address to President Bush at the White House on Wednesday,
the first full day of his U.S. visit, Pope Benedict said that he
had come as a friend of the United States, an obvious attempt to
dispel recent rumors that he is an enemy of the state.
"I coma asa frienda, a preacher ofa the Gospel and one with greata
respecta for this vasta pluralistic society," Benedict said in a
speech after Bush welcomed him at a ceremony that included a
fife and drum band in colonial-era garb and a twenty-one-gun salute.
"So, please don'ta shoota me with your twenty-one gunza!", the pope
quipped, sporting his ruby shoes. "I meana you no harma. I coma in peace froma a far away landa,
somewhere over da rainbowa, and
I beara you no malice whatever fora living in sucha a
debauched anda sinful society, a veritable din ofa antiquity", clearly referencing
recent Canadian complaints about how much noise there is coming from America and
how long it has been going on.
In his speech, the Pope urged Americans and their leaders to base their
political and social decisions on moral principles and to
create a more just society.
President Bush responded by urging the pope to urge
his church to conduct its ministration of the people,
especially very young altar boys, with more moral
principles and to create a more just church, one which does
not attempt to cover up the immoral actions of its leaders in order
to avoid shelling out millions of dollars in legal penalties
which are taxable by the U.S. government.
The pope smiled, nodded his head and said, "Touché, Mr. Busha",
then proceeded to praise America,
in a clear attempt to win over the few dozen in attendance,
sprinkling his speech with
references to the founding fathers -- citing Georgio Washington,
Benito Franklin, and Benedictine Arnold -- and with pandering
references to great American
documents, such as, the Declaration of Independence, the Ten Steps
of Alcohol Dependence, and the Magma Carta. But he made no
specific references to issues such as abortion, slavery,
the Iraq war, the war on drugs, Nam, women's suffrage in jets,
manifest destination, the Pond of Hogs debacluie, the Kennedy assassination,
the Clinton insemination, the Boxer Revolt, or steroid abuse by American athletes,
such as Roger Clemens, clearly not wanting to
takes sides in the upcoming presidential election. He did, however,
say that Americans should apologize for forcing
the Russians to tear down the Great Berlin Wall, which
had been an icon in that town for as long as he can remember.
Bush cited the role of faith in U.S. life, saying,
"Your Preeminence, here in America, you'll find a nation of prayer,
one where evil doers and terrorizers need beware,
lest the sword of Democratis come crashing down amongst their heads."
He sprinkled his comments with references to the
Great Catholic Inquisition, during which well over 100,000 evil-doing
witches were slaughtered with no mercy in an attempt
to rid the world of evil doers, and the best-selling Catholic
publication, Malleus Maleficarum, or "Witch Hammer",
the very church manual used for identifying, examining and
torturing witches, the template, Bush told the
audience, for American military "harsh interrogation
techniques", such as watersurfboarding and mock castration.
BACK TO TOP
JURY SAYS DRIVER,
PAPARAZZI KILLED DIANA - 4/8/08
LONDON (ASSOCIATED COURT REPORTERS OF THE REALM)
A coroner's jury returned the most serious verdict within its
power this Monday, ruling that the revered Princess Diana
(pictured here while still alive) and her boyfriend, Dodi Fayed,
were unlawfully killed because their driver, Henri Paul, and pursuing
Paparazzi were reckless -- behavior tantamount to manslaughter.
Criminal charges are not likely, however, because the incident
happened across the English Channel in France, outside the
jurisdiction of British authorities.
The jury also ruled that Jesus Christ was unlawfully killed
because the Romans recklessly beat him to a pulp and then put him
up on a cross -- behavior tantamount to Godslaughter.
The jury is still deliberating, however, over the blame for the
deaths of Dr. Martin Luther King, Julius Caesar, Bugsy Siegel and
Archduke Franz Ferdinand, having determined last week that
President John Fitzgerald Kennedy was unlawfully killed
because sniper bullets were recklessly shot in his direction --
behavior tantamount to presidentslaughter.
Fans of the great Luciano Paparazzi were shocked at the news that he
was involved in the death of Princess Diana and everywhere
great bonfires lit up the skies across Brittain as royal fans burned Luciano Paparazzi CD's,
Luciano Paparazzi Halloween tuxedo costumes, Luciano Paparazzi bobbleheads and Italian flags. A huge effigy of
the great tenor was burned in Pickadilly Circus. It burned all day.
It's still burning.
BACK TO TOP
INVENTS MANY "NEW SINS", INCLUDING STEROID ABUSE - 3/10/08
VATICAN CITY (ROITERS) - The Vatican, seat of the Holiest Sea,
has passed down to mere mortals a polyglot of
brand new sins for God's flock to feel guilty about. At
the top of the list of threats to the modern human
soul, laid on the people in an interview with the
Vatican newspaper L'Osservatore Romano by the Pope's
number two man, Arch Archbishop Gianfranco Girotti, is
in the realm of bio-sins, covering cloning, genetic
fudging, and the destruction of embryos. He also
earmarked "ecological" offenses as sinful evils, notably
anything that messes up the environment, like air polution,
dumping toxic radioactive waste in the rainforrest, and
highway litter. It now appears that not only is one
risking a cash fine for chucking one's McDonald's
wrapper out the car window, but one may also wind up
paying a more eternal fine in the Low Court of Purgatory.|
Steroid abuse by American athletes was near the top
of the list of new sacred offenses and Cy Young award winning pitcher,
Roger Clemems, remarked, "I suppose the Vatican will
be subpoenaing me to go to Rome and testify to his almighty, the Pope,
in the Sistine Chapel about my involvement with steroids. First
the U.S. Senate and now God! Sheesh, I can't get a break!"
Girotti also listed illegal drug trafficking (except Oxycontin)
and internet identity theft
as modern sins. "My second cousin in America is a having
the trouble with a someabody who a go and a steal a her name
and I curse thata person! Vendetta!" Apparently, nitrous oxide,
tetra-hydra-terpenthydrathioholine-3, and cheap model airplane
adhesive are still not sinful substances to inhale, as
there was no mention of them in the modern list.
He rounded out the new sin list with: money laundering (the
actual washing of money, which leaks printers ink into
the Earth's water system), sneaking money from the collection
plate, the wrongful use of handicap parking permits at the mall,
being rude to maimed waitresses, breeding hairless cats,
illegal CD duplication by the Chinese, making fun of Alzheimer's patients
(like, telling them every day that Kennedy was just shot and watching them cry
like it was the first time they heard the news and then laughing behind their backs),
Spam email (any email that mentions Spam or different ways to cook it),
and on-line no-limit Texas Holdem poker tournaments.
It's still ok, however, to aid and abet runaway Nazi war criminals,
which gave a sigh of relief to some of the older prelates in the Catholic org
who were on sin patrol in the aftermath of WWII.
President Bush commented on the list and remarked that he was glad to see that
fibbing, especially fibbing for the purpose of inciting war, was not among the items
now requiring repentation.
BACK TO TOP
McCAIN OF 'DIRTY TRICKS' - 1/21/08
SIMI VALLEY, Calif. - Republican Mitt Romney accused
John McCain of using dirty tricks by suggesting the former
Massachusetts governor wanted a deadline for withdrawing
U.S. troops from Iraq, in a spirited debate Wednesday
night that underscored the intensity of their
Coming 24 hours after McCain defeated him in Florida, Romney
vented his frustrations over the Arizona senator's claims from
"I have never, ever supported a specific timetable for
withdrawing troops and I can't believe he would say
that. That was a dirty trick," Romney said. "But that
ain't the worst of it - back at the hotel, McCain
put a bag of burning dog poo outside my room, knocked
on the door and, of course, when I go outside and see
the fire, of course, I'm gonna stomp on it! Tracked
it in the room and everything. My wife threw up.
It was a real mess! That was a very dirty trick and
I can't believe he did it. Then, at midnight, I get
a knock on my door and, come to find, "somebody" had
ordered a hundred pizzas and Chinese food for fifty
people and had it delivered to my hotel room and I'm
like, "what the hell is this?!" Oh yes, and did I
mention that Mr. Presidential Candidate kept calling
me in the middle of the night and hanging up when
he KNEW I had a big speech in the morning - now
that's just mean spirited dirty pool, folks, that's
all I can say. Is he gonna do that sorta thing in
the White House?!"
Senator McCain had no comment.
BACK TO TOP
OBAMA CLASH, SPAR, ACCUSE EACH OTHER OF SLANDER - 1/21/08
MYRTLE BEACH, S.C. - The lead Democratic presidential enemies,
Hillary Rodham Clinton and Barack Obama, accused each other of
repeatedly and deliberately distorting the truth for political
gain Monday night in a highly personal, finger-wagging debate.|
Obama told the former first lady he was helping unemployed
workers on the mean streets of Chicago when, "you were a
corporate lawyer sitting on the board at Wal-Mart."
Clinton responded to that jab by saying that she was
fighting against bad Republican policies "when you
were practicing law and representing your contributor ...
in his slum landlord business in inner city Chicago."
Obama then lashed out, "Yeah, well, I was very busy helping
out destitute little old widowed ladies who had no heat
in their tenements in the dead of arctic Winter while
you were out runnin' around stripping in flash joints
for dope money for your bigamist pimp-ass husband."
Clinton showed remarkable reserve as she said in a low
calm voice, "well, my friend, at least my mother wasn't
a two-bit pork-a-holic crack addict ho who was a regular at
the Chicago Metropolitan Correctional Center."
Obama retorted, "I object!! That's bulldirt, your honor!
While I admit my mama was a pork-a-holic crack addict with
a drinking problem, she
was NOT a ho in the classic sense! That's not in
the public record". He then stood,
walked over to Clinton, pulled out a large Cuban cigar,
lit it, took a puff and blew smoke directly into
Hillary's face saying, "Um, by the way, I got this from Bill.
Taste's pretty good, if you get my drift..."
Hillary Clinton then stood and spit directly into Obama's face.
Obama smiled, said, "touché", calmly wiped the spittle
from his chin and then promptly decked her.
Husband and former president, Bill Clinton, emerged from
the stunned crowd, produced a shotgun from under his raincoat,
and shot Obama squarely in the chest. Clinton, who still has
political immunity by virtue of his former presidency, was
allowed to leave the debate hall under his own recognizance.
However, he is currently under Congressional
investigation for political assassination, a charge to
which he has responded, "I did not have political assassinatory relations
with that man. What do you mean by 'political'?"
BACK TO TOP
ANCHOR KELLY TILGHMAN APOLOGIZES FOR RIBALD "ON-COLOR"
COMMENT THAT YOUNG GOLFERS SHOULD LYNCH TIGER WOODS - 1/9/08
LA QUINTA GOLF RESORT (AFFILIATED CLUBHOUSE REPORTERS)
With shades of Howard Cosell's now infamous "look at that
little monkey run" comment, Golf Channel commentator,
Kelly Tilghman, who once served as caddy for Arnold Palmer,
was on the hot seat this week when she made her own
shocking and controversial comment during Friday's
telecast of the PGA Tour's opening event that the
only way that young golfers of the world have a
chance to win would be if they take Tiger Woods
into a back alley and lynch him. Naturally, the
ever-sensitive racial watchdogs leapt upon the
seemingly racist use of the reference to the
so-called "Black Holocaust" lynchings of Blacks
in the South. |
Tilghman apologized today for her untoward misuse of
the "L" word: "I am terribly sorry I used the
word "lynch" when referring to the murder of Mr.
Woods. I wish now that I had used some other
phrase in reference to snuffing him out, such as
electrocute, behead with a dull guillotine, draw and quarter with
a chainsaw, roast in a Brazen Bull,
flatten with a steamroller, crucify upside down in a
gas chamber (and force his mother to drop the Zyklon B pellets),
bury alive in a coffin full of hungry irritated tarantulas,
poison with cyanide-laced Tylenol
capsules, shoot in a firing squad with rifles
loaded with lead-based dum-dum hollow points dipped in human
feces, slowly disembowel with rusty blunt scissors,
explode with a stick of dynamite shoved into the anal cavity,
send an anthrax letter to, impale on razor sharp punji spikes coated
with the AIDS virus,
seal in an iron maiden and force to listen to Iron Maiden at
600 db until the head implodes, drown him in his own flu vomit, or
inject his heart directly with lethal neurotoxic substances such
as cholera or black widow spider venom.
In my defense, however, I should like
to point out that Mr. Woods is only about 25%
Black, so, my comment is really only
about one quarter as egregious as it normally would be
under the circumstances. He has Caucasian,
American Indian, Asian, Burmesian, Latino, Canadian and God-knows-what-other
ancestral blood flowing through his mongrel half-breed veins.
Had I said 'lynch in a strange fruit tree, cover with a small pox-infested
blanket and detonate with a hydrogen bomb',
or something to that effect, then maybe the
uproar would be justified, so, gimme a break."
BACK TO TOP
CRIES AFTER NEW HAMPSHIRE "SILVER METAL" CEREMONY - 1/9/08
CONCORD, NEW HAMPSHIRE (CONGLOMERATED COLONIAL REPORTERS)
Massachusetts governer, Utah governer-wanna-be, and presidential hopeful, Mitt Romney, cried
at the end of his speech last night following his second
place "silver metal" showing in the New Hampshire primary. His tears
flowed freely as he said he was overwhelmed by the heartfelt
support he has received from so many gentiles and non-Mormons
in his quest for the number one seat. "I know that Mormons
are the chosen few and I am absolutely shocked and humbled
by the outpouring of support I have received by so many
non-believers and evangelicals who, according to my religion,
will be slain by the Angel Moroni on Judgment Day when the
fierce Wild Indians of the Great North rein down upon the world,
piercing the black hearts of anyone non-Mormon, anyone not
wearing special Mormon underwear with secret symbols,
and that the souls of said non-converts shall be banished
forever to the Eternal Cesspool and shall never
themselves become gods with dominion over their own
personal planets, nor shall they ever receive
three dozen voluptuous virgins. I don't normally cry in
public as it is a clear sign of weakness and instability
and generally translates into instant political death for
any candidate, but it seems to have worked quite well for Hillary
Clinton so I don't think my emotional outburst will
adversely affect my chances of becoming your president,
at least I hope not. In fact, I'm hoping the show of feminine
sensitivity will push me right over the top, especially with the
women of this country who, while allowed by men to vote, still
hold a subservient, cow-like position in the world, according not only to
my faith but to other popular socio-politico-religio systems,
like the Moslems, who make their women wait outside the
Mosoleum while they pray. Incidentally, the names 'Mormons' and 'Moslems'
have the same number of letters and they sound similar. Similar
'assinance', I think you call it. Or is it, 'omagottapea'? I wonder if
there's something to that."|
Romney quickly wiped his tears away when asked if
his allegiance to the president of the Mormon's LDS
church, allegiance sworn when he became a Bishop of that church
(moving up from mere Pawn status), would be a conflict
of interest and that if the Mormon Church president ordered
him to use nuclear weapons on non-Mormons, would he do so
unflinchingly. He answered stoically, "no... I don't think
so... I'll have to ask my Rook if that would be acceptable..."
Hillary Clinton, upon hearing about Romney's breakdown,
said, "Well, it's good to see that a man can be hormonal,
too, even if he is a Mormon, which faith, by some
Evangelicals, has been referred to as a "cult".
I think it's absolutely wrong to assume that such
displays of emotional instability will affect my or his
decision-making when it comes to the use of nuclear
weapons on Jews, Buddhists, Catholics, Taoists, Glanuists,
or any other religion for that matter, or to committing American boys and girls
to non-nuclear unconventional combat in far away hot and dusty places
where the primary objective is oil. I wonder if he
takes Pamprin. It usually helps with my bloating."
BACK TO TOP
BUSH ADMITS FIBBING
ABOUT WMD'S - 1/9/08
WASHINGTON (ASSOCIATED REPORTERS) President George W.
Bush, in a pleasant and apologetic tone, admitted today
that he pushed the buttons on the "war" in Iraq for the sole
purpose of generating trillions of dollars of profits for
friends in high places in the military industrial
complex and oil business. He admitted that he was not
straightforward at all about believing that Saddam Hussein had WMD's
(weapons of mass destruction), that he knew all along he
did not have them, but claimed that he had his fingers
crossed behind his back when he made the claim, which therefore
made it not a lie but rather a mere fib and a fib is
not a lie, certainly not nearly as heinous as a black lie
and far less opprobrious than even a white lie. Mere fibbing,
according to Bush, while frowned upon from kindergarten
on up, is not a sin. "I want to point out that there is
absolutely no mention whatever in the Bible about
fibbing. Therefore, I gotta assume it's ok. I mean,
why on Earth would God allow humans to fib and not do
something about it, like put it in the Good Book to stop
it or warn against it or even punish it with fire and
brimstone and pestilence and floods and drought? In fact,
there are no laws at all on the books anywhere
in this great country of ours about fibbing.
You can't get a ticket for it." He went
on to say that if people didn't believe him
when he said Saddam Hussein had WMDs then
they should have asked to look at his hands.
They would've seen his fingers crossed and he
would have then figured out some other excuse
to get us into a war with the "gas man", as
he referred to former ally, Hussein, to whom
the U.S. government supplied the very poison gas
used by him to commit
genocide against his fellow citizens.
"My conscience is clear as ice - read my mouth -
I never lied."|
At the end of his interview Bush said he was only kidding
about fibbing about not lying about prevaricating saying only that he
wished to leave office known as the "jocular president".
Of course, interpreting his statement is difficult because
his legs were crossed so it is up to the constituency to
determine whether he was falsifying misinformation about
truthfulness or lack thereof as it pertains to erroneous
incorrect statements he may or may not have uttered in jest
BACK TO TOP
DEA MAKES HUGE POT BUST
DOWN IN MONTEREY - 12/22/07
MONTEREY, CALIFORNIA (DISASSOCIATED REPORTERS OF AMERICA)
The DEA made an arrest today of one Juan Sanchez, from Juarez, for
running an illegal pot distribution operation in this
beautiful and peaceful (except for festival week) coastal town. The
pots were all made of porous red clay, down in Juarez, and then
secretly secreted across the border under cover of darkness
in secret compartments in secret low riders. Several
local housewives were involved in a sting operation
after they themselves were busted for illegal use of the pots for their Golden Poppies (State flower) and cactus plants in their
homes. They turned informant when it was clear they
might lose their Home Depot charge accounts.
BACK TO TOP
BUSH WON'T JUDGE CIA TAPE
THE SAGA CONTINUES - 12/20/07
WASHINGTON (ASSOCIATED NEWS PEOPLE)
President Bush said Thursday he will reserve judgment
on his administration's destruction of CIA interrogation
tapes until several inquiries are finished, adopting a
wait and see attitude. "Let's wait and see what
the facts are," Bush said.|
"Patience, that's what I'm talking about here. You
holier-than-thous shouldn't be so quick to wag
the guilty finger at anyone else unless and until
they have all the necessary information
available, in front of themselves, to be able to
properly assess the culpability of said persons
who are on the hot seat and being accused of being
an evil wrongdoer. Delay of action is entirely
in order at this point
because, as you all know, haste makes waste.
It's a waste of your time and mine and time
makes money and it's the American people's
nickel we're talkin' about here.
You mudslingers, scoundrels, scallywags,
firebrands and upstarts
shouldn't be in such a
hurry to leap onto a pile of dirt
because it just might be quick mud
and you could sink in up to your neck and get mud
down your own throat. You iconoclasts ought not be
so ala... ala... ala-cratious -
golly, I love that word - it's a hard one but
what it means is "too quick to jump the damn gun" - to put
a foot in your preverbial mouths and
falsely misspeak, sensationalize, disparagize,
This great country of ours was founded on due
process of illegal matters and that means
withholding paralegal perscecution or
unjustifiable desecration or threat of
phony indictment until there is a vast
preponderosity of evidence for or against the
perps to tip the scales of injustice way beyond
the shadow of irascible doubt in the direction
of blameworthiness. Then and only then should
accusations be cast upon the situation.
In other words, reserve judgment of misconduct until a full
data analysis is scrutinized beyond
the .05 alpha level. Don't pre-ordain. Let he
who is with sin cast the first rock,
is all I'm askin' as your
Exercise forbearance lest ye falsely
pre-convict an otherwise innocent person
or administration. Show a little temperance.
I beg the indulgence of the American
people who are a smart and wise
and caring and loving and primordial people. A bit of
stoicism goes a long way, my father once told me,
so don't tar and feather or pillory or flog or
crucify or indamnify the head of the American chicken without
just improbable cause. That would be
a sin and it would be wholly un-American and unfair
to this here administration which is on the side
of good in the world. America the beautiful,
that's what we're all about. Capeshe?"
The destruction in late 2005 of the tapes,
showing harsh interrogation treatment of
two terrorism suspects, is being investigated
by the Justice Department, the CIA itself
and by several congressional panels.
"Until these inquiries are complete, I will
be rendering no opinion from the podium." Bush then added,
"I will not make a decision, one way or another,
from the pulpit or the grandstand or the bridge of the ship
so long as the tribunals are still forthwithing.
Nor shall I shout a pre-judgmental statement
from a mountaintop while the jury deliverates,
nor erroneously scream "fire" from a crier's perch, nor falsely
holler "land ho" from a crow's nest, nor
pontificate a prevaricated message of falsehood
on a megaphone from atop
of the Washington Monument, as it is my God given
right to do as president, until I'm sure about what I'm
I shall scribe no accusatory nor vilifying
edifices in the editorial section of the
Washington Post as I am not a muckraker, nor a ruckmaker, for that matter. I will
avoid blaming anybody prematurely or posthumously on my
national fireside radio show, "The George
Bush Hour", starring yours truly, Geroge Bush, President of the American people. And
nay shall I drag a yellow journalistic
pre-conviction proclamation behind one
of them bi-planes you see flying up
and down the beach announcing this or that
happy hour or lobster special.
I promise not to bang a false
gavel in the White House for the President
must be completely non-judgmental, at least
as it pertains to politics. Only fools rush
in. A wise man once said that. He must
be calm and cool and show lots of phlegm. He
must be calculating and reasoned and genteel
and he must exercise a thousand points of
serenity and restraint and learn how
to ride out the storm and let all the cards
fall where they may lie or lay or lain - whichever
is correct right there - and allow
the dust to settle and the fervor to
quell and the tides to recede and the
cold dark night to return once again to the
enlightened warmth of daytime before exposing
himself or his opinions to the American
people, (or her opinions
if the president happens to be a woman, but
I seriously doubt that will happen in my lifetime,
especially with the Clinton woman).
I didn't go running around falsely accusing Mr.
Osama Bin Laden - a personal friend of the Bush family -
for 911 until I knew absolutely one zillion
percent beyond an inkling of a shadow of
a reasonable doubt and unequivocally and
for sure that he was the mastermind
behind that evil day which brought
our country together like Pearl Harbor and caused the
American people to rally behind their
president and send his ratings skyrocketing.
Oh, and by the way, I am instructing
Budget Director Jim Nussle to review
options for dealing with the wasteful
spending in the omnibus bill," Bush said.
BACK TO TOP
SENATOR JOE BIDEN UP IN ARMS ABOUT
DESTRUCTION OF TAPES - 12/8/07
WASHINGTON, DC (CCR - CONGLOMERATED CONGRESSIONAL REPORTERS)
Delaware Senator Joe Biden, chair of the Senate Foreign
Affairs Committee and 2008 Democratic presidential hopeful,
who himself was put on the hot seat 20 years ago when it was
revealed to the American people that he cheated in college,
leading not only to his expulsion from the University of Delaware but also
to his ultimate and humiliating dropping out of the 1988
presidential campaign, has come forward today to demand
that Attorney General Ashcroft appoint a special counsel
to investigate the CIA's destruction of videotaped
interrogations of two suspected terrorists. His demand
came on the heels of the Saturday revelation that
Michael Mukasey's Justice Department and the CIA's
internal watchdog would conduct a joint inquiry into
the matter and that their joint review would determine
whether a full investigation is warranted. Biden
scoffed at this plan to uncover the truth behind the
apparent impropriety of the destruction of the
"He's the same guy who couldn't decide whether
or not waterboarding was torture and he's going
to be doing this investigation! That's pure horseshit!",
said Biden, who voted against making Mukasey America's
top law enforcer.
Biden was also incensed at his own mother,
Louise Biden, for destroying well over 300
vintage 8-track tapes from his college years
which were stored in his mom's garage and he had
to be consoled by his children.
"I had the Isley Brother's Live It Up, I had Zeppelin's
Houses of The Holies, Grand Funk's double live
tape with Mean Mistreater, which you
can't find anywhere, I had the
Mahaveeshnu Orchestra, Framton Come's Alive
with Do You Feel Like I Feel on it, Seals
and Crofts, KISS - I HAD THE FIRST KISS TAPE
with Strutter on it!
I had it all, Jack! And she just
trashed 'em like they were nothin' Just threw 'em
into the furnace, which, I might add, is an
environmentally unsafe act and a direct
violation of HB 320-14! I'm extremely miffed and
I've asked my Dad to look into it.
Life sure is like a crap shoot - just
when you think you got it licked, your
mom fries your goddam favorite tapes and the CIA
director destroys important evidence
which could further sink this lame duck
Biden's mother could
not be reached for comment but
released the following statement
through her next door neighbor, Judith
Biden sincerely regrets the loss
of Joe's precious tapes. However, she
wants to make it clear that he
didn't even remember he had the precious
tapes until she told him she destroyed
them. She recommends that Mr. Biden
come get all of his things out
of her garage, such as his University
of Delaware expulsion papers".
CIA Director, Michael Hayden, has claimed
that the CIA recordings were destroyed
so as to protect the identities of
interrogators. But Biden said that was
crap, too, suggesting, "I think -
I'm fairly certain - you can use those
little black rectangles to block out
somebody's face, can't you? I'm having
my secretary look into that and if it's
true, then Hayden MUST have known about
it. I mean, he looks at secret video
tapes with people's faces blocked out
all the time. Right? I'm pretty sure
of that. At least, that's what I heard.
I think it can be done with VideoShop."
Passing the buck and seeking a flatter
rock under which to crawl, Hayden said the
sessions were videotaped in the first
place not for his own sick and demented
sadistic personal viewing purposes
but to provide an added layer of legal
protection for interrogators using new,
harsh methods authorized by President
Bush as a way to break down the defenses
of recalcitrant and disrespectful foreign
prisoners of the state being held on
foreign soil with no due process
who, "don't respect the rightful place
of America in controlling the economic,
religious, military and political
landscape of the entire freakin' globe".
The White House scrambled over
the weekend to determine who
exactly in the administration knew
about the tapes and when, including
Doorman James Watson who was quoted
as saying, "I do recall a box of
tapes being dropped off at the front
gate from NetFlix and I took 'em in,
but I don't know who the hell got 'em
or what the hell happened to 'em. That ain't
my job. No sah. I just put in my nine to
five and roll on up outta here, get on home,
put on my naked ladies and throw back
a few cold ones. Which reminds me - they's somethin
wrong with my cable box."
White House janitor, Carl Jensen, who
resigned today under accusations that
he is responsible for the trashing
of the CIA tapes, said upon slinking out the
back door of the White House, "I didn't do nothing
with them tapes. I ain't no Rosemary Woods! Maybe
the President taped over 'em. He still uses VHS."
President Bush apparently "has no recollection"
of hearing about either the tapes'
existence or their destruction before
being briefed about it Thursday morning.
"I have no clue at all about water sports
or any tapes about water sports
or golden showers or anything like
that or about who might have dumped
said tapes or wrecked them or lost them
or smashed them or burned them or
vilified them, or
exradicated them in any way, shape, or form,
known to the mind of man, nor who
even might have looked at them
late at night in the confines of
their oval bedrooms or oval situation rooms.
No sir, I'm completely
free of any knowledge or whereabouts
of said tapes, no matter who's in 'em
or what's in 'em or what's happening
to the folks that's in 'em, especially
if there's anything like hoses in 'em.
Nope. I don't remember anything about
any tapes. What tapes?"
Bush went on to say that he has
complete confidence in Hayden's
handling of the situation.
"I'm absolutely certain he'll find
out who took the bloody tapes. Washington's
only so big, ya know".
The President also sent his condolences
to Biden over the unfortunate loss of
his own tapes. "It seems there's a preveritable
tape gremlin running around this
great country of ours and we need
to come together and have a
bipartisan effort to put a stop to it.
My heart goes out to Senator Biden
and his children who have suffered
a great loss, especially the Edgar
Winter and White Trash's Tobacco Road tape".
Biden thanked the President for his very kind
words. "I just wanted to thank the President
for his very kind words, with the caveat that
in no way am I endorsing him, his policies,
the so-called "war" in Iraq, or the Republican Party,
or any party at all other than the Democratic Party,
all of which I hate with a passion."
Presidential candidate Senator Hillary Clinton
was quoted as saying, "if my husband
is not in the CIA tapes, I guess I'm not
really all that interested. The CIA - that's where
the spies are, right? Or is that the FBI? Oh, fiddle
sticks! I get them so mixed up sometimes!"|
Barack Obama, D-Ill, on the campaign trail with
TV talk show host, Oprah Winfrey, responded
to the scandal by saying, "if they
were cassette tapes that got all
messed up, I got a whole
shitload of 'em all y'all can have. I, myself,
have converted to mp3s because I wanna show
the young people of this country that
I'm hip and I can boogie and blog with y'all and
I hear your cry for change. And, my very very good
friend, the very attractive and beautiful, Oprah Winfrey,
agrees with me one zillion percent on that."
Winfrey agreed. "Unlike my weight,
which changes like the humps on a camel, I will
not fluctuate drastically when it comes to my
unwavering support of my steadfast good buddy,
the handsome, Barack Obama, who has shown his extreme
level of hipness by dancing and boogiein'
on my show, unless, of course,
he gets the presidential nod from
the Dems and doesn't pick me to be his running mate,
in which case I will promptly drop him
as my good friend and endorse whoever will pick me,
because, people, lemme lay it on ya -- it's prime time Oprah
that's gonna take this
country into the 20th Century. Or is it the 21st Century?
Are the 1800s the 18th Century or the 17th? Wait a minute, maybe
it's the 19th. Oh, fiddlesticks! I get so confused. Anyway, I plan on
doing my show live from the White House every
day. I'll be interviewing
political leader's depressed wives, I'll
have men's room toe-tapping gay Senators,
and, of course, Dr. Phil will be on
hand as my chief of staff."
Senator Biden commented on Winfrey's self-imposed
candidacy by saying only that, "she's articulate
and bright and clean and a nice-looking storybook
black woman, and I don't mean that in a racist way."
BACK TO TOP
VAMOOSED LAKE STILL VAMOOSED - 11/27/07
SANTIAGO, CHILE (ASSOCIATED IMPRESSARIOS)
Officials are still trying to solve the mysterious
disappearance of a large lake in southern Chile
after the discovery back in May of this
year of a 30m-deep crater instead of the
body of water which has been there for as long as the local
Fernando llamas herders can remember.|
"It ees still not where it ees supposed to be
and we are getting preety upset about
eet", said Pedro Alvarez De Vincento Martinez, director of The
National Forests, Lakes, Rivers, Streams, Ponds, Mountains,
Poppy Fields, and Other Natural Resources Corp. of Chile
(TNFLRSPMPFAONRCOC), in an interview with Radio Cooperativa
South America at the bottom of the empty lake.
"We was hopeful that our heartfelt pleas to the
national populous would have bring us a bountiful fruit but sadly
eet did not. No peoples has called to tell us where eet eez."
Local scientists have been scrambling to explain the strange
aquatic abscondance. University of Santiago geologist Carlos La
Bamba, for instance, said the missing lake was
likely due to an earthquake-caused crack
in the ground that drained all the lake water to the center of the
Earth, causing the recent abnormalities in the eruptions of the
Old Faithful geyser, some 6000 miles away in the USA;
Other scientific hypotheses and explanations for
the have included: a swarm of killer bees drank
it on their inexorable migration north; solar flare
irradiation seeping through a gigantic hole in the ozone
comportment caused a "freak aqueous boil off";
there is even is a theory that there never really was a lake there
in the first place, that it was just a
mirage due to swarms of silverback gorillas mistaken for a
lake, a theory which Martinez feels is misguided since
silverbacks don't really like to cloister in deep pits but rather
prefer meeting in caves, not to mention there
are no silverbacks in South America.
Santiago Chief de Policio, Rodriguelo Portobello, who has
had his entire force of three detectives
working day and night on this mysterious desiccation
is also skeptical of the so-called "scientific"
explanations and suspects foul play instead: "Carumba!
We are not talking about a leetle tiny leetle lake. It
ees a very grande one and you cannot hide a lake of
this dimension. We will surely catch the banditos
who would steal a lake from the great country of
Chile, you have my word of honor!" Portobello
had no comment, however, to the postulation that
Chilean poppi cartels, which control the entire
global production and distribution of the infamous seeds
that go on bagels, drained the lake illegally to
water their illicit poppi fields.
Parabnormal psychogeophysiognomologist, Herr Docktor
Hermann Von Ludwig, III, of Brazilian National Socialist
University, sees things differently and has
suggested that the real explanation
may be something more untoward and parasinister,
such as alien lake abduction, hyperbolic hysteria,
and mass psychic fluid translocution perpetrated
by Himalayan Tibetan monks to provide irrigation for
their draught-ridden opus fields.
Chilean National Security Advisor, Condoleezza
Machete, has proffered the slightly more
grounded postulation that local La Junta guerilla
terrorists may have destroyed it, suggesting that
the lake was blown up by a canoe bomb since
pieces of canoe were discovered by investigators
on the rocky bottom of the now waterless basin,
a brilliant deduction in this reporter's eyes.
Whatever the real explanation, the disappearance
has caused quite a wave, if you will,
of aqueous paranoia to sweep across Chile
as local militias have posted armed guards around
all inland bodies of water, public water fountains, and
office water coolers
and national Chilean supermarket chains,
such as El Grande Jalapeno, have seen their supplies
of bottled water fly off the shelves causing severe
shortages of effervescent sparkling water in upscale
BACK TO TOP
POPE CREATES 23 NEW CARDINALS - 11/24/07
VATICAN CITY (APR - ASSOCIATED PAPAL REPORTERS)
Twenty-three brand spanking new Cardinals got down on their
propompitous knees before his beneficence, Pope Benedict XVI, on Saturday to
accept their sacred Cardinal hats during a time-honored ceremony inducting
them into the elite body that advises and elects popes. The celebration
quickly became disengenuflected, however, when
it was revealed that nine of them are
over 80 years old, thereby making them ineligible to vote
in the upcoming papal election, which has raised outcries of
election tampering in this quaint Roman town of 851. Patrick O'Hara,
of St. Edward's parish in Boston, was enraged upon hearing this news.
"It sure does seem a tad bit peculiar, don't ya think? I mean, what's
the point of hiring somebody to vote if they're too old to vote?
I smell a big fat German rat." It was also discovered
by this reporter that six of the nine are on life support
which will certainly make their attendance at this Thursday night's traditional
Cardinal Inauguration Bingo Bonanza highly unlikely.
These same 23 gathered Sunday morning in the Vatican's Popal Genuflectory
for another ceremony in which they received their prestigious Cardinal Rings (which feature
stunning diamond encroached red rubrics cubics ensconced in full 10 ct gold plate and
engraved with the new Cardinal's name: "Cardinal so-and-so, Class of 2007"). All around
the Vatican's St. Peter's Square could be heard the whispers of the
irreverent on-lookers, "my precious... my precious..." Pictured at right is
the Ring of new Cardinal Phillipe Richelieu XIII, great, great,
great, great nephew of the infamous French Cardinal
who was Minister of State for War under the Sun King,
Louis XIV, and who was also exiled at Avignon in 1618 for intriguing with
the Queen Mother. Phillipe Richelieu recently returned from self-imposed
exile at St. Tropez for intriguing with the Queen Sister (Latifah)
but he is very apologetic, repentant, exfoliant, and ready to get down to the
business of cardinaling, which involves a lot of singing in trees.
The new Cardinals met again on Monday to pick up their Cardinal socks with
gold embossed initials and then once again on Tuesday night,
the fifth night of Shyamalan, to get their
Cardinal beaks. They return to the Holy Sea one more
time this Friday for a sacred brunch to receive their sacred
Cardinal baseballs and footballs, autographed by the Pope Hisownself.
Next week, the Blue Jays come to town to receive their
sacred investiments and will probably exercise one of their
draft pick options to acquire Father Rocco DiFiorenzio, the
golden glove (with diamond incrustments) second baseman of the Milano Miracles from
the Italian Papal League.
BACK TO TOP
GOD ANSWERS JERRY YANG'S PLEAS
TO "LET ME WIN, DEAR LORD" - 7/17/07
LAS VEGAS (HIGH ROLLER PRESS)
God shocked the poker world today by answering the desperate pleas of gambler,
Jerry Yang, granting him the luck necessary to take home poker's most
prestigious title, World Series of Poker Main Event Champion.
Throughout final table action the reverent Yang could be heard
repeatedly pleading, if not outright begging, the Creator to violate
the very laws of probability -- His laws of probability which
He created -- and allow Yang to avoid crippling bad beats on the
turn or river and win hands he might have otherwise been sucked out on.
Yang made no attempt whatsoever to keep secret his pandering
requests of the Big Kahuna to grant him more luck than anyone
else at the table: "Please let me win, dear Lord, please let me win!",
he uttered over and over during hands which could go either way.
And let him win, the Good Lord did - Yang drew out on numerous
players, time and time again, eliminating 7 of the 9 other players
at the final table. It was like magic only it was God at work.
Many of the other players at first thought Yang was merely hitting
some lucky cards but, as the day wore on, and player after player
became eliminated, it became apparent that something else was
going on and that God was, indeed, showing favoritism toward Yang.
Second place finisher, Tuan Lam, was quoted as saying, "Jerry
certainly never be able to wipe out the field the
way he did -- or beat yours truly -- if he didn't have some
sort of help from the Big Guy upstairs, and I ain't talkin' about Steve
Wynn! It was sick at times, especially the way he sucked out
four cards for a straight to win the championship. Why God
would show so much favoritism for an immigrant from Laos, I'll never know."
Lee Childs, who finished seventh, was shocked when he went all-in with
king/jack against Yang, who had a jack/eight, and ended up losing
when an eight came on the turn, giving Yang themiracle win. "Right
then and there, I just knew Yang was on the inside with the Lord.
It just doesn't seem fair. I mean, I pray every now and then."
A mathematical analysis of the final table action conducted at
the UNLV Laboratory For Games of Chance, revealed that the
probability of Yang pulling off the sequence of hands which
he pulled off was somewhere in the neighborhood of 70,000 to 1,
which is quite rare and which points directly to divine
intervention. Of course, God, for his part, could not be
reached for comment but, when presented with the numeric
facts, Father Guido Romano of the Our Lady of Luck parish
on the Strip in Las Vegas said only, "Hey, dems da dice",
a sentiment echoed by WSOP tournament director, Robert Daily,
who said there was nothing he could do about God's
intervention in the tournament except continue to
comp church prelates plenty of E-Z Pull slot tokens and
2-for-1 vouchers at the Carnival buffet. "There's nothing
in the rule book about ecclesiastical cheating".
Yang was so happy with the Good Lord's support, he pledged to donate 1 full
percent of his winnings to charities and swore that he would attend church "often",
especially when he is not on vacation.|
BACK TO TOP
STILL HOOKED ON PHONICS AFTER 20 YEARS
A testimonial by "Billy"
Hi, my name is Billy. And I am a phonicoholic.
I am compelled to tell my sad story to the world, not for
personal gain, not for acclaim, not for the notoriety, and not for the fame, not for the endorsements and not
because I am bored off my gord. I am telling my story because it has become my committed life's devotion to do
all I can to prevent others from traveling down the same dark and lonely path, boarding the same karnevil train
of thought, and entering the same vernacular Alcatraz in which I have been imprisoned for well-over 20 years.
Because, if by spilling my preverbial guts, I can succeed in saving but one fellow neophyte from the dismal abyss
of phonics addiction, then my self-imposed mission shall be considered complete.|
My story begins many many years ago, when, as a young toddler, I was first introduced to the lingual scene. It all
started innocently enough. A friend of mine - let' s call him "Timmy" - introduced me to the alphabet. You know,
just letters and stuff, nothing hard core. We do 'em at snack time in nursery school or in the sandbox at the park
or during sleepovers. Soon, I found myself messin' around with the colorful magnets on the refrigerator. It wasn't
long before all the kids were doin' 'em. At birthday parties and such - somebody would bring along a bag of
flash cards and we'd, you know, pass 'em around, quizzin' each other and whatnot. That was how I got into vowels.
I remember the very first time I did an "A". God, what a rush! And by the time I had gotten to "sometimes Y", well, I
just felt like I was on top of the world, like I could utter just about anything. I'd use 'em on the young chicks at
kindergarten: "A U... O... Y?"
We did vowels for a couple weeks but soon I built up
a tolerance and that's when Timmy introduced me to consonants. I
had no idea the alphabet could be broken down like that. Oh, it was real cool at first. A barrel o' laughs, ya know? But,
before long, casual use turned into daily abuse. Jesus, I can remember using up to 10 consonants in one single day. And,
sometimes we'd mix consonants and vowels. Dangerous business, I know, but, lemme tell ya, I was flyin' high, baby! I was
young, I was cuttin' my teeth, and I was invincible!
But, it wasn't long before I started getting bored with the alphabet. Real bored. The letters just weren't giving me that
ol' zing I was looking for. I guess my mind needed more, like a billion synapses were screaming out for something more
efficaciously edificatory, something more... cognitively cogitatable. That's when I started hangin' around with these guys
I met over at Chuckie Cheeze. They were into heavier stuff, like syllables and even words. A couple of them were real pros, too.
They'd been doing the stuff for months. I had never even seen a compound word before -- complete with prefixes and suffixes
and whatnot -- and these guys were doing something like four and five at a pop! One guy, we'll call him, "Little Bobby",
even had a "Spell-n-Speak" by Mattel. He'd fire that thing up (two D batteries, not included) and we'd pass it around behind
the animatronic stage. "A is for Apple"... "B is for Bird"... "C is for Cat"... Wow, we would laugh! Man, would we laugh.
Those were the good times! But, soon, that hyperbolic laughter turned into tears. I remember one Sunday my house of flashcards
began to come crashing down. That was the day I swiped Bobby's Spell-n-Speak and went on an uncontrollable wild binge,
spinning that dial and pulling that ring so many times that my fingers got all blistered up, which I later had to explain
to my mommy. Ashamed that she might learn of my growing involvement in the lingual scene, I lied to her and told her they
were just jump rope burns but somehow I think she knew what I was up to. Nevertheless, even at that time I still felt like
I had control, that I could quit verbal abuse at any time.
But, boy was I wrong. As time forged on, I found myself slithering deeper and deeper into the murky morass from which I have
yet to extricate myself, despite years of mind-numbing video game therapy. I started hanging out after school with some older
fellas down at the 7-11, guys who were into even harder stuff than I could even imagine -- nouns and verbs, prepositions, and
even prepositional phrases. This one guy, "Johnny", was the miscreant who led me down the insidious path toward ultimate
addiction - he got me into real bad words, which we wrote in chalk on the ice machine. But, I soon took my new habit with me to
school and I began pedaling those bad words all over school - on the gymnasium mats, on the lockers, in the johns - until one
day Mr. Jennings caught me and marched me straight down to Principle O'Hanrahan's office and she made me lick them off with my
tongue and lye soap and she struck me repeatedly with her so-called "board of education". She even told my mommy and she put
Tabasco sauce in my eyes. That was when I began to fully understand the sharp sting which can ensue from messing around with
the verboten lingo at such an early age.
Another friend of mine from Cub Scouts, "Gussie", had an
older brother, named, "Chuckie", who was in a debate gang at school
called "The Debacles", who were big time into the spelling bee scene and whatnot. One day I was over Gussie's house for lunch,
eating alphabet soup, when Chuckie came in from the garage and said, "hey, you fucking little squirts. You wanna do
some 'phonics'?" Well, Gussie and I looked at each other and shrugged, "sure why not". I had heard about phonics from TV and
how you could get hooked on 'em, but my curiosity was peaked. I really wanted to find out for myself what this "phonics" thing
was all about. I wanted to push the envelope.
Well, Chuckie led us down into the converted rec room where he took out a videotape he had hidden behind the pool cue rack. He made
sure nobody else was around, listening carefully at the steps for any sign of his mom, and then quickly shoved the tape into the
combination TV/VCR on the shelf behind the wet bar and shut off the lights. Gussie and I sat there on that bamboo mat, eating stale
popcorn, and watched with great anticipation as Chuckie pressed the green neon "play" button on the devil device.
What happened next was to change my fucking life forever - I'm sorry, forgive me for cussing but, I have to tell you, after viewing
that tape, I was never again that cute little tiny little cartoon-loving kid that I used to be. That tape was all about phonics, friends,
and it was on that day... that fateful day in Gussie's basement... that I became... forever and eternally... totally hooked... on phonics.
My God, the colors and the flashing lights and there were nouns and adjectives zipping across the screen like shooting stars. I could feel adverbs
swirling all around me and dangling participles whizzing by my face like rocket-propelled hummingbirds. Like the opening sequence of the
Twilight Zone, there were odd shaped letters and strange words dashing across the screen willy nilly. Sentences streamed by my amazed eyes
like firey arrows from the bows of the Huns. It was pure sensory overload and I was instantly sucked into the verbal vortex of swirling
But that's how those dastards who were behind it all reeled you in! They knew exactly where to take aim on their immature and unsuspecting
prey. All this allegorical fandango was just a big trick to garner your attention, magnetize your interest, peak your imagination, and
stimulate your Wernicke's area. That's how they began the process of ultimate control over unconscious pre-rational thought. It was
brilliant, to be sure, and the creators of this self-heralded "system" are to be commended for their mastery of findings in behavioral
psychotolinguistics. My kudos to them.
Soon, midway through the first tape, they sink their teeth in even deeper by playing to your budding sexual desires, as many pretty
female teachers in tight angora sweaters begin performing conjunction-related hand puppetry and huge male body builders in leotards
prance around and explain the meaning of a predicate. Jeeze, these guys were good. Real good. These evil and despotic phonics pushers
who produced and distributed this absolutely wicked, and what I like to call, "propaganducation", tape, didn't think twice, gave no
pause, held no quarter whatsoever, to the concept of prostituting the very cartoon characters which we have all come to know and love and which have come
to symbolize the very concept of the pre-verbial pre-literate mind, in order to achieve their sordid and diabolically rhetorical ends.
Oh no. But, my fellow violent cartoon lovers, I am not castigating blame on Popeye, Bugs Bunny, or the Road Runner for my problem. I
am even not blaming the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. No sir, not in the least. But, let there be no mistake about it - the battles of
these pugilistic reptiles with the evil, Negator, The Double Negative Warlock, contributed immensely to my inexorable downward spiral
into the dank and inescapable dungeon of phonics dependence.
I was hooked. Really hooked. Line and sinker, babe. And, it wasn't long before I found myself turning word tricks just to score a measly
proper noun and I'd do just about anything to get a parenthetical expression. I found myself roaming the streets at night, reading neon
signs and trying to interpret graffiti on overpasses. I found myself falling aleep in dark lonely library janitorial closets while
perusing linguistics remedial therapy journals after hours. And I can't even tell you how many times I was busted at newsstands for
reading magazines, like "Phonic News" and "Linguistics Today" and "Talk Magazine", without paying. Plus, I have been banned for life from
Barnes and Noble and Borders has a warrant out for my arrest for verbal vagrancy.
And so, here I am, 20 some odd years after that fateful day, a useless shipwreck of a man, my entire life's savings gone and all of my worldly
goods reduced to a shabby shack on the outskirts of Palookaville, filled with old newspaper editorial sections, defunct Funk and Wagnal's
dictionaries with broken spines, stacks of yellowing copies of magazines like Verbatim, Modernus Compendium, Reader's Digest and Highlights.
Each and every single day, upon awakening, my very first thoughts go to phonemes. Phonemes upon more phonemes. Soon, my mind is racing with
words and I find myself absolutely incapable of halting their influx and syntactic synaptic dispersion, sometimes rhyming them uncontrollably,
sometimes onomatopoeiaing them, sometimes assonancizing and consonancizing them with prefixes and suffixes, respectively, of course, with unpreventable
alliterative abandon and, often, without even
being consciously aware of doing it. Just like on the tape. Don't you see?! The tape is not just IN my mind. The tape has BECOME my mind!
The two have become INEXORABLY COALESCENT, as if one, A LINGUAL AND IDEATIONAL "BI-UMVARIATE", if you will...
And so, friends, if there were some way, some how, I could go
back in time and back to that life-altering day... to that critical and eventful
moment down in Gussie's basement... to that conspiratorial combination TV/VCR and if I could ONLY have had the preverbial courage to just turn
around and get out of there, if I had just had the inner non-verbal strength to scurry back up those steps and do something else for fun -
such as, harassing Gussie's dumb dog, Ginger, like standing at the back door and waiting for her to take a dump and then, when she did,
quickly holding out a piece of baloney and calling her name and kissing the air and making that little bitch pinch it off and run for the
boloney - like we used to do all the time - instead of staying in that basement like a deer frozen in headlights, watching that fucking
fateful tape... I would do it in a heartbeat... hands down. There'd be pinched-off dog loafs all over Gussie's backyard. If I could, if the
dialectical gods could somehow be bribed, I would go back in symbolic and metaphorical time and destroy that soul-sapping video, I would
smash that TV/VCR, I even would burn that evil house to the ground, for the biggest lesson I learned in my entire life, is that once you
dabble in this so-called edificatorial thing they so-call, "phonetics", you very quickly fall under its hypnotic spell, become seduced
by its semantic allure, fall prey to its undeniable verbosity, become entrapped by it's irresistible appeal to the preconscious thoughtless
mind, become victimized by it's enticing and seductive ovation to the right, non-verbal, hemisphere, become ideationally imprisoned by it's
confabulatively compulsive petition to the linguistic left hemisphere, become ensnared by its addictive thesaurus rex jaws, and you will
soon become starkly aware - nay, your vision shall be as if awakening from the very sleep of death - that you have become fully... undeniably...
inexplicably... and moronically... hooked... on... phonics.
For years and years, now, I have tried desperately to kick the evil vernacular habit. I've tried every form of speech therapy (such as, learning
to write remedial speeches using hand signals only) and self-help trick (such as, learning the alphabet backwards so that the two alphabets
collide during thought formulation and cause primordial linguistic meltdown), that s out there. I've tried everything from straight up cold
turkey to group sex for deaf mute eunuchs, everything from neuro-psycho-mnemonic aroma therapy to tip-of-the-tongue stapling. I've tried them
all and still I cannot bring myself to cancel my Book of the Month Club membership nor my Random House magazine subscription. I've even tried
moving to a Tibetan monastery in Tibet to study the Tibetan Book of the Dead "C" Scrolls so that I might somehow get the Courage to end it all
and beCome Connotatively Comatismatic, for nothing has been able to suCCessfully break the Chains that phoniCs has so Callously Caused to beCome
Constricted about the Cortical sulCi of my Cranium's BroCa s area. Furthermore, I have been an SA member (Scrabbahoics Anonymous) for nearly
a decade and I am only on Step 322 ("I shall no longer read the back of the cereal box whilst eating breakfast"). I'm currently working on 323,
"Sesame Street is for kids".
And so, my good friends, here is my message to you and the rest of the proverbial world: should you ever find yourself alone, watching
Saturday morning cartoons, and happen to have your attention drawn undeniably to the prostituted and enlisted voice of some big shot die-hard
movie star, who happens to be harping on and on about the purported "wonders" of this vaunted "system", touting its utility in combating verbal
delinquency, promulgating a panaceal claim about all of the wayward toddlers that have been summarily rescued from the pendulum pit of primordial
pre-prepositional post-pontification, espousing the ability of the "system" to prevent and proscribe the youth of the today from tumbling headlong
into verbal wasteland and should you ever be exposed to a famous personage, such as the likes of retired astronaut, H. S. Stamper, whom some claim saved
the world by destroying a giant asteroid headed our way, grandstanding and testimonializing the proud claim that his very own progeneous grandchildren
are "totally hooked on phonics" - and that it is a wonderful thing - or should the likes of a famous athletic supporter, such as, Shaquille O'Neel,
ever come across your flat screen and proceed to brag up how much this "New and Improved" phonics tape has worked on his half-whit, stuttering,
Take pause and remember this:
It really works...
But does it ever STOP working?
That is the question.
BACK TO TOP
BULL MASTIFF ATTACKED BY KILLER DACHSHUNDS
A day of terror in a quiet Malibu neighborhood
Howdy, fellow neighbors and compatriots. I am writing with a heavy heart this letter so as to bring to your attention a rather serious -- AND horrific -- situation, which has happened, recently.|
About a forthnight or ago, I was innocently walking my baby, Puffy, a very genteel, domicile and extremely userfriendly Bull Mastif (weighing in at 152.6 pounds of downright goodhearted kindness) on our happy little street here in beautiful Malibu, minding our own mutual beewaxes and enjoying the nice breeze (Puffy really enjoys the wind in her face and always hangs her head out the car window) when something went... well... a little terrible. A neighbor had arrived at her house and exited her vehicle, a 1973 Monte Carlo (you know, the ones with the Landau roof) with two very suspicious-looking dachshinds. My precious dog was, of course, properly leashed in accordance with Los Angeles Leash Code 26.19.B, part 6. These vicious creatures were, however, not on leashes at all, but, rather, were allowed by their totally inconsiderate and thought-provocotating owner to run unobated and on their own, free to threatenize the neighborhood.
Well, let me just tell you, I love freedom just as quick as the next guy, but this was ridiculous, doggone it. Just as soon as these snarling dogs caught vision of my harmless pet, they tore full bore across the street in our direction, like a P-80 sabre jet AND bats out Hades, rocket fueled and crazed, making me think they were on crack or something like that, which is probably true, judging from the looks of their owner who was of dishevulated demeanor. What happened next was sheer terror and not for the weak of stomach. And, I'll just say, the owner just stood there on laurels and watched it all happen with a smirk on the face.
Well, I immediately ran in utter desperation, as it is my God (betrothed) given right to do, with my big puppy just as fast as our little legs would carry us (I am a transengendered crippled person), but to no seeming availibility. Alas, these pack hunting blood thirsty mongrel canine motherfukers (if you'll pardon my French -- I'm also an angry transengendered guy) caught up with us. Like angry wolves OR killer shrews, they tore into my dear sweet and very kind mammal soulmate, whose only crime was being a dog and never hurt a flea. The next 47 seconds came as close as I've ever come to "hell on this here Earth", and trust me, people, I'm transengenderred so I know a little about hell on Earth and God's great planet, my dear friends and neighbors.
Fearing for my own life and limb (remember, I'm a one-legged mixedgenderfied man), all I could do is stand back and watch in horror and agony as these flesh craving monsters tore and ripped at my innocent "family member". One did, clearly and purposefully, as a seeming ruse for what was to come next, quickly put its neck into my dog's mouth, most likely so as to provide some sort of demented dog alibabi later, for there were, after the fact, tiny itsy bitsy teeth marks but no serious damage to the neck of the attacking mutt.
It was clear this clever ploy was but a mere pack hunting distraction, for the second dog masterfully pulled the ol' back-door sneak-attack and Pearl-harbored my unsuspecting beotch, and latched onto dear Puffy's rump, which sent her howling into a life and death flight down the street toward PCH. The first beast then did a dipsy doodle switcheroo and latched onto my pet's throat and chomped down, crushing Puffy's laringitis box, causing her to squelp.
Now, mind you, my hand was still firmly entrenched in the leash loop and, consequently, I was dragged down the boulevard, across speed bump after speed bump, tiny pebbles etching themselves into my derrierriere. I, quite honestly, thought I would perish from the up and down motion. Not to digress, but let me take a second here to explain a little bit about myself. I have been plagued since child birth by an uncurable inter-ear disorder which prevents me from enjoying any sort of motion ride at amusement parks. Now, back to the horror show. The killer dashunds proceeded to rip flesh from my child-friendly companion. Large wet chunks of Puffy's meat were strewn helter-skelter and willy nilly on the roadside as she ran at full bore in a desperate striving to erradicate herself from the certain jaws of death.
I will never, ever, as long as I live, forget the blood-curdling growls of these unkind mutts from hades and the desperate screams of my loving Puffy. The second maniacled dactshin ripped and shreaded at my dog's hind quarters until, I am sad to retort, one of her legs was disamputated AND torn limb from limb, which is probably where they got the phrase. Still, however, she was able to run tri-legged, all the while pulling me by the leash. My life flashed liberally in front of my virtual eyes and my dog's, too (I know because she told me so later -- we share everything) when she ran into the heavy rush hour traffic on PCH. We narrowly avoided the first 15 or 18 vehicles (and a hippie guy on a ten speed) but, to wit: we were struck by a pizza delivery truck (Domino's, I think it was, but I'm not sure. How can anyone take note of such a triviosity during such times of distress. I can only attribulate it to the "fog of war"). Whilst I say this in shame -- for normally I would only admit this to my other genderobscured friends -- I shat myself in fear. Not a pretty picture, eh?
Well, the wheels screamed as the driver made a disperate attempt to avoid us. I, for one, escaped in an unscathed fashion. Unfortunately, however, for my precious Puffster, the hand of fate did doth dealt her a raw deal -- she was plowed into AND jettysoned about 40 or 62 feet upwards in the air, across all 9 or 11 lanes (I can't remember which -- again, the "fog of war"), and into a tremendis cactis bush on the other side of PCH (I'm sure you all know the one on the Nicholson property. Jack was really TO'd when he witnessed the carnage and missing needles on his bush -- and where are those lovely needles? You guessed it -- smack dab in my Puffs' rump! They are still in there and every now and then one comes to the surface with puss all around it as her dear body continues to embattle the painful pointy spines within). And still, after all this, those wicked and evil attack mutt-ants did not relent -- nor stop -- their heartless and rude attack. Me knocked silly on the side o' the road, they gorged and regorged at her abdomin until soon her intrails were emancipated AND scatterized all over the cactos and creation. I came to my sences and snatched up a piece of old disguarded big rig tire retread which had just so happened to be on the side o' the road in a drainage ditch and smacked those lascivious creatures across their shouts with it in a last ditch effort to expropriate their hapless AND confused victim from their vice-like choppers. But alas -- no dice. In fact, it wasn't until about 46.3 seconds later that their meth-like owner had caught up with us and effectuated one brief whistle, using two fingers on the lower lip, did the attack cist and decease. Could not have the whistle come earlier? You bet.
Since this voratious AND personal attack, my hand to God, I have not be able to get an erection nor stand up quickly without getting dizzy nor look into my lovely dog's eyes without bursting into tears, for poor Puffy's stomach is half gone, her leg is still missing (we simply couldn't find it, mostly likely obsconded forthwith by coyotes or other vermin), and his (my dog is gender obfuscated, too) throat is stapled shut, making what was once a beautiful heafty wholesome and proud bark into a sad little high pitched wheeze, to which I have no choice but to listen to on a daily basis whenever the postal worker delivers correspondence. Now, this puts me in a quagmere, because, I can no longer bring myself to use email because that little "you have mail" sound frightens what little is left of dear sweet Puffy, causing her to trebel and dive under the living room coffee table, upturning it and scattering my priceless European miniature figurines of little Dutch boys and girls with their genitals exposed. By the way, anyone wanting to come down to my 'house of fear AND horrors' and check out my collection is more than welcome. Just give me 24 hours notice so I can tidy up as I don't feel much like doing housework these days, as I am so listless and as I am so depressed. And quite frankly, I'm not sure I'll ever get my life back to order as I once knew it nor my affairs.
And, so, friends, in closing, I would like seriously to enlist and engender your help and support in bringing solice and closure to my wonderful world of pain by signing this here petition to have these mad pack land sharks permanently and forever barred and removed from our once peaceful neighborhood or at least to have them obstrichulated to their own dog pens. Duckshunds are a menace to dog society AND are wellnown widely to have the killer instinct AND are really not appropriate to coexist where innosent people AND children live, transgendified OR not. Words cannot describe the sheer pain and suffering (I'm considering a law suit) Puffy and I have experienced since our post-Christmas canine holocaust AND ordeal, not to mention our persistent nightmares (I have continuous Dreams of Internment, like the movie) as we both relieve, over and over again -- nightly -- that terrible and messed up day in Malibu.
So, to bring my nightmere to a close, I am asking anyone out there with a dessent bone in their bod, or other neighbors of the mixed or non-mixed persuasion, to please and kindly sign the "pet-tition" below indicating your commerrodity AND empathy. Let us all join hands together as one to rid, fumigate and exponge our fine dwelling space of this ostentasius atroshous terroristic pestilence and menace (my deminutive nicknames for the two creatures who attacked my Puffance: "pestilence" and "Menace", although they're not very deminutive now are they). I seriously can't thing of any good reason why this attack should have ocurred, nor why dockshunds are such mean-spirited, hungry, blood-lusting, pitiless, merciless, demons on four legs.
Puffy and I both thank you in advance for your support.
Your friend and fellow patriot neighbor
PS. If anyone knows the whereabouts of Puffy's right rear leg, kindly return it to us. No questions will be asked. You'll know it by the cowlick on the thigh and dashchund jaw marks up near the rump. Thank you and may God bless.
BACK TO TOP
SICK AND TIRED
By Thomas G. Smedley
I'm not one to hardly ever complain on a regular basis about stuff that
usually never bothers me much, most of the time. But, I gotta tell ya,
folks, I'm really sick and tired of hearing people running around
all the time saying they are sick and tired of things. You know the ones. You always hear these
people complaining that they're sick and tired of this and they're sick
and tired of that. They're sick and tired of paying taxes on bare necessities
like condoms, cigarettes and beer, and they're sick and tired of the same old
crappy fast food they suck down every day because they're too cheap to eat
at Denny's, and they're sick and tired of putting up with their disillusioned children
wasting their lives away playing violent video games over the Internet -
games clearly sponsored by secret CIA slush payments to stooge black ops
software developers whose sole purpose is to train the youth of America
to be proficient in the use of the deadly high-tech armaments of the future,
games played with millions of other similarly poorly-disposed cigarette-smoking
children from across this great land of ours who agglomerate in smoky basements and
beer can-littered garages
and formulate video game attack teams and unwittingly practice the tactics and maneuvers which they
one day will employ in some far-away oil-rich land after they have been duped into
joining the military complexity by TV commercials which are clearly designed to
glorify and aggrandize military patriotism as if it were some new ride at Six Flags.
It seems like they're sick and tired of just about everything except their
very own penchant for complaining about being sick and tired.
Well, guess what -- I'm sick and tired of hearing them say
they're sick and tired, especially the ones who say they are sick
and tired of the proverbial "same ol' same ol'". That really gets me going.
In fact, I'm almost as sick and tired of those people as I am with the people who are "absolutely
fed up". But, I'm not quite as sick and tired - or fed up - with those
people as I am with the people who have "had it up to here" or, worse yet, with
those who are "at their whit's end" over some stupid-ass ridiculous bullshit thing,
like not being able to lose weight when all you have to do is stop eating as much by
about 50 percent. It is those people with whom I am truly at the end of
my proverbial soap rope... so to speak...
First of all, I would really like to know just where the hell the "whit"
is and, concomitantly, where exactly is its beginning and/or its end?! I
don't have a fucking clue. I wish just once - JUST ONCE - they would be more precise
and say they are at their "leg's end" or "their finger's" end or their
"rear's" end or something else concrete instead of that ridiculous and nebulous
And, when they say, I've had it "up to here", I'd really like to know
exactly what they mean by that. Up to where? Is it two feet? Three feet? Up
to the top of a tree? The top of the Empire State Building? The fucking
moon?! You see?! It's clearly unclear and, I must say, my "patients have worn
thin" (whatever the heck that means). They might as well just say they've
had it "over to here" or "under to there" or "down to here" for they all
make just about as much sense and are just about as vague as "up to here".
Am I makin' any sense? Is anybody out there with me on this crap?
And, why does it always have to be "sick and tired"? Why not, "ill and
bushed", or "ailing and pooped", or "nauseous and sleepy", or "queasy and
fatigued"? Why the freak does it always have to be "sick and tired"? I mean, what I wouldn't
give to hear them just one stinkin' time utter something like, "oh, I'm really
'regorgatory and sojournistic' over the way President Bush makes
nondescript reference to "the evil doers" without naming names. Or,
how about something even easier than that? How about if they simply
said, for the pure sake of variety, that they are 'tired and sick',
every once in a while?! You know, switch it up. Throw a change up every
now and then! I don't see any harm at all in that! I don't think
it's too much to ask! I really don't! Because this whole business
has me pretty much "petered out" (which reminds me... what's so
wrong with saying "dicked out" or "johned out" or one-eyed
trouser snaked out"? Same argument.) I hope you get my drift.
And so, for all of you folks out there who, like me, have had all
they can stands and can't stands no more, I hope you will
sympathize with me, get behind my words and my mission and come to recognize, like
I do, that the people of the world truly have what it takes to
prevent nuclear holocaustic disintegration. But, I'm very sad
to report that most of the people must be shown the way, i.e.,
they have to be shown HOW to log a protest or HOW to begin a
petition for radical change or HOW to engage in calamitous
homicidal sectarian revolt and HOW to engage in riotous
proletarian anarchy and HOW to write a poignant searing editorial,
such as this one. Moreover, furthermore, in addition
to, and also, it seems they have to be shown how to survive
in a post-catastrophic cataclysmic world, a world in which
life as we have come to know it is no longer exists like
life as we once knew it before, in the past, in days gone by,
but, rather, is now completely
exasterbated, obfusculated, obliterized, caudercumphized
and postvaricated as well as being very different and irrecognizable.
BACK TO TOP
TRIED AS A CHILD?
By Jenny Takearide, adjunct writer
Early this week, auto body mechanic, Jimmy O'Hanrahan, 46, was
driving home from a big party to celebrate a recent Cecil Township
Bowling League victory with his Alley Kats teammates down at O'Malley's Tavern.
He didn't see the red light. He didn't see the van full of Catholic
nuns on their way home from religious retreat at the Algonquin
Casino in the Adirondacks, nine of whom were horribly maimed and
disfigured in the accident and ensuing conflagration. He didn't
see much of anything after he vomited all over the windshield and then blacked out.|
Mr. O'Hanrahan was given a routine alcohol test which showed his blood alcohol
level to be 7.3%, indicating embalmment, and he was given a DUI citation accordingly. He was, indeed,
by his own admission, "totally schnockered" that night. And that, his attorney,
Marvin Schizter, says is precisely why Mr. O'Hanrahan should not be held accountable
for this crime. His defense is pure and simple - he was too drunk to make a rational
decision about getting behind the wheel of a car.
The underlying rationale for this line of defense, Schizter says, lies in the
bending of criminal law which frequently occurs during which offenders younger
than 18 years of age are held accountable as adults and
tried as adults. The logic which naturally flows from this precedence is
that, if minors can be tried as adults, for whatever legal or moral reason,
then why shouldn't adults be tried as minors if it can be proven
that, at the time of the commission of the crime, their mental age and capacity
were equivalent to that of a minor? The heart of the argument lies in the fact
that alcohol, by clinical testing, has been shown to have the effect of
degrading the mental processing ability, behavior, and sense of humor of normal adults to levels which are
commensurate with that of a pre-adolescent child. It follows then that any adult who is
under the influence of alcohol could be considered a legal minor. Therefore,
if Mr. O'Hanrahan's mental capacity at the time of the commission of the crime
was degraded to that of a minor's, as a direct result of the alcohol in his
system, then Mr. O'Hanrahan should be tried as a minor rather than as an adult.
Accordingly, Schizter argues, the punishment for his crime should be nothing
more severe than a scolding and being forced to wash school windows or pick up litter on the school grounds or
detention with eraser clapping after school or perhaps even home grounding
with no video games nor pizza for, say, two or three weeks, with the possible loss of cell phone privileges.
Local Circuit Judge Judeth Mencia is taking the argument under submission and finds some merit.
The judge expressed concern, however, that, if adults cannot be held accountable for their
behavior whilst under the influence of alcohol, then other entities which cause
or incite people to begin drinking would therefore need to be held accountable.
As such, anyone who puts social pressure on someone else to do a shot, for
instance, to celebrate the fact that St. Paddy's day is just two weeks away or to
participate in a beer pong tournament under direct threat of ostracism
from the peer group or who suggests that if the perp doesn't suck booze from
the ice luge then the perp is a wuss, could be culpable and held
legally accountable for any crimes committed by the perps they so pressured to
get fucked up.
The argument seems pretty solid and O'Hanrahan believes that it
will hold up in court and when it does he hopes that his bowling buddies will
be held accountable for his actions that fateful night, especially the side-swiping
of the squad car, the wheely ruts in City Park, and the downing of three telephone
poles, because, after all, they pressured him to chug-a-lug a pitcher of beer after he
hit 6 strikes in a row. "Tommy 'Nine Pins' Lazerski, he's the one who made me drink Jager from
my bowling shoe. He's to blame, in my opinion. He should hafta pay for my bowling shoe, too,
which got fuckin' ruined. I didn't wanna do it but he made me do it." Nevertheless, as a show that he is not without any
remorse at all for having disfigured nine Catholic nuns, O'Hanrahan has informed St.
Anne's parish that he would be happy to do the body work on the van for free.
BACK TO TOP
DOCKTA D'S HOROSCOPES
Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 18
Things are looking up, bigtime. You will be betrayed and
stabbed in the back by your so-called best friends far less this year than in past years.
Pisces Feb 19-Mar 20
Don't betray and stab your best friends in the back as much
this year as you have in the past. People might start liking you again.
Aries Mar 21-Apr 19
Danger: the 5th moon of Kalmar is in cosmetic regression.
Do not leave your house under any circumstances during today. If you do, a terrible fate will befall
your mother and you will lose all gambling action.
Taurus Apr 20-May 20
You will inherit something that you couldn't care less
about. Just go ahead and toss it.
Gemini May 21-June 21
You will meet someone with whom you think you could fall in
love. Steer clear of this person at all costs.
They are no good for you and will only depress you and shatter your belief in romance.
Cancer Jun 22-Jul 22
If you feel like crying today, go right ahead. No one will
think you're a wuss.
Leo Jul 23-Aug 22
You may be fired today. It's a good thing, however, since
the place where you work is about to burn to the ground. Your lucky day has come.
Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22
Jupiter is aligned with Venus. Give up your diet for the
day and eat some candy.
Libra Sept 23-Oct 22
Someone strange will approach you with a strange
proposition. You must follow the proposition to the letter, for if you do not, great
pestilence will ensue.
Scorpio Oct 23 - Nov 21
You will feel gutteral nausea for most of the
day. Take a bicarbonate with a quarter teaspoon of ginger.
Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21
The oscillating moons of Istar are causing a great upheaval in your
inner eye. Dump all of your friends and seek new ones that have more money than the old ones.
Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19
Your day will be filled with fun, joy and happiness.
Unfortunately, tonight will be a huge drag and you will be overwhelmed by a sense of impending doom.
Your throat will feel tight, your head will spin and you will likely vomit large chunks
of the pizza you consumed during the fun-filled day.